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Handy Manny
Last year I babysat a lot. But it was great because I got to watch a lot of kidz showz, one of them being Handy Manny. There’s not a lot to say about this show besides the fact that it’s basically Bob the Builder combined with Dora the Explorer.
Manny is the owner of a small town repair shop and has talking tools that help him with his job. These tools are so extremely annoying, I don’t know how Manny stays sane. I have a weird feeling that Manny is an illegal alien and that’s why he’ll take the job that no one wants to do. That, and he’s really good with tools. Mostly because he doesn’t have to pick them up since they move on their own. I mean, I could be a repair man if that’s all it takes.
Manny speaks English and tosses in some Spanish words on occasion. Like, for whose benefit is he throwing in these words? Is he trying to teach his tools another language? That’s all the show needs-bilingual tools. Meanwhile the cats and dogs on the show only meow and bark so how is that fair?
Manny is also superrr boring. I’m blaming this on the fact that Wilmer Valderrama does his voice and he puts not effort into it at all. Like, I’ve never seen Manny excited or have any change in his demeanor. Maybe this is how all Mexican repairmen are and Wilmer is doing an excellent job portraying this role, but I just don’t get it.
The tools aren’t even bound by the laws of gravity. They float around and kind of do whatever they want which would cause me to have an anxiety attack. A flying screw driver just isn’t safe.
Why is he carrying them when they can float around on their own?
I read on Wiki that apparently the show takes place in the Arizona desert where a number of Spanish speaking residents live. That makes a little more sense. I was wondering why so many people knew what Manny was saying. He’ll always say the name for something in Spanish and then repeat it in English. It’s like, why don’t you just say the word in English and save yourself some breath?
All of Manny’s tools have different, quirky personalities. I can’t really keep them straight, so here’s a list of their names and what they are:
Felipe- Phillips head screwdriver.
Turner- Flat head screwdriver.
Pat- Hammer.
Dusty- Hand saw. (voiced by the same person who played Phil and Lil Deville on Rugrats!)
Squeeze- Hand pliers.
Stretch- Measuring tape.
Rusty- Monkey wrench.
A surprising amount of guest stars have lent their beautiful voices to this quality show: Lance Bass, Snoop Dogg (why?), Ed O’Neill, George Takei, Florence Henderson, Jim Belushi, Donny Osmond, Kathy Lee Gifford, Jane Lynch, Henry Winkler, Ashley Parker Angel, Weird Al Yankovic, and lots of others with latino-sounding last names.
As you can probably assume, there are many towns people and other prominent characters, but I don’t really care about them so neither should you. When it comes down to it, this show isn’t exciting and full of life. This isn’t a new concept, the animation kind of sucks, and the tools will haunt your dreams.
Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t know what is wrong with me that I think a movie about Robin Williams dressing up as an older British lady is a great classic film, but I do. Mrs. Doubtfire is one of those movies I can watch a million times and probably already have. It has something for everybody. We even get to see Harvey Fierstein play a different kind of role, a gay man with a lot of character. Only in a Robin Williams 90s film people.
Mrs. Doubtfire is a great film because it deals with a topic that at the time was still a taboo, the Lawrence brothers. Lawrence Brother Matthew plays one of the kids in the film. He is probably the least talked about Lawrence brother too for some reason. Joey paved the way for them and Andrew is the one with the most future. Matthew is kind of stuck in the middle. I feel bad for him because he’s a very talented actor. One part in the film involves him walking in and sees Robin Williams’s penis. He totally freaks out like any person should at seeing such an awful object.
More taboo than the Lawrence Brothers though, this film deals with divorce. Robin Williams is married to Sally Field. Let’s be honest, none of us paid attention to the character’s names in this flick so why bother looking them up? Robin Williams plays himself, a fun-loving dad who doesn’t take things too seriously. He’s been having marital problems and when Sally Field comes home and sees he threw his son an awesome birthday party she PMSes all over the place, not literally. She tells him she wants a divorce which then causes a chain reaction of events.
Sally Field is so caught up with work that she decides to get a housekeeper to look over the kids and stuff. She doesn’t trust Robin Williams to do the work even though they’re “his god damn kids too.” Upon hearing about her need for a housekeeper, preferably a female because we all know how gross males who work with children can be, Robin Williams enlists the help of gay brother Harvey Fierstein who has access to makeup and masks because gay people are into some strange things, like having jobs that involve makeup and masks which he does.
(I think this is from the montage when he fights the guy who tries to steal his purse)
Robin Williams gets everything prepared after over the phone he has already created his character, Mrs. Doubtfire. She is a British nanny who used to work for the Smythe Family. She’s pretty big for a lady which she used to her advantage when she played fullback for soccer. She calls it football though and she uses this to connect with Matthew Lawrence. She also uses her other daughter played by the Matilda actress, Whatsherface, and makes a mention of Stuart Little to impress her. There’s nothing used to impress the oldest daughter, Randy Quaid’s daughter in Independence Day, because she is an older teenage who cares about nothing other than not getting pregnant yet still remaining adventurous. Why did I refer to Mrs. Doubtfire like she was a person? She’s Robin Williams in drag. Let me not get carried away like this.
There are a few classic scenes in this film as the mayhem continues. There’s the great line “It was a run by fruiting” when Mrs. Doubtfire throws a piece of fruit as Pierce Brosnan’s head. I never got the joke until I saw a news story about a drive-by shooting. I laughed and laughed then realized I shouldn’t because people were killed.
Another classic is when the social worker comes to visit Robin Williams’s apartment to see if it’s suitable for children aka not too many sex toys lying around, heroin needles cleaned to sparkle. For some reason she visits him on a Friday night. Why is a social worker visiting a deadbeat dad on a Friday night? Shouldn’t he be working a double-shift then? Shouldn’t she not be working? Friday night is the one night of the week everyone goes out and lonely people hide from the world. The last time I went out on a Friday night was probably 2006 and the only reason I did was because I owned a misprinted calendar.
Anyway, the scene that happens while at the apartment is the whole “Hellooooo!” part. If you have seen the film then you will remember this happens when he tries convincing the social worker that he, Robin Williams, and Mrs. Doubtfire are separate people who happen to be brother and sister. When he needs a way to cover up his face, Robin Williams smacks his face into a random cake he has in his refrigerator. The Mrs. Doubtfire part of him convinces the old social worker lady that this is some sort of beauty secret. She buys it because apparently social workers are easy to fool.
(Hellooooooooooooooo)
Mrs. Doubtfire is one of those films everybody can enjoy. At times it’s serious and shows just how much a father can love his kids. It’s sweet if not for the fact Robin Williams is their father. As much as I wouldn’t mind spending a day with Robin Williams I would certainly never want to be related to him. I feel like I would be way too exhausted listening to him do bad impressions of made-up people. Plus I just read he gave a cocktail waitress herpes in 1984. I will never be able to watch this movie the same ever again.
And if that hasn’t convinced you to see this movie then check out this fake trailer making it look like it’s a horror film.
Gullah Gullah Island
As a young white child living in rural Indiana, nothing was more fascinating to me than Gullah Gullah Island. I had never seen “island life” portrayed in this manner before. Life was like a party. They made it seem like they lived in The Bahamas or something, but apparently the show was shot on an island off the coast of South Carolina. Hilton Head perhaps? I only guess Hilton Head because I’ve been there a number of times and it would be my actual dream to say that I’ve been to Gullah Gullah Island.
The show was meant to teach very young children to problem solve, play nicely, and have fun with your family. At least I’m assuming that was their aim since that’s all they ever did. In the theme song, the audience is welcomed to Gullah Gullah Island by Ron and Natalie Daise, the mother and father of the show. They say weird island sayings like “put your foot in your hand” which means hurry up. Why wouldn’t they just save breath and save embarrassment by saying hurry up?
The show features Ron and Natalie’s real kids along with some fictional kids. The most famous of the children (and this is a bit of a stretch) is their on-screen niece who went on to later play Kenan’s younger sister Kyra on Kenan and Kel. I don’t know why they had to have so many kids pretending to be their own. Like, couldn’t their own kids play their children on the show and everyone else could have been neighbors or something? Did they really have to have their niece live with them? How many bedrooms did they have? Shouldn’t they be living in a shack since this is island life?
Perhaps the best/creepiest part of the show is the larger than life costumed polliwog named Binya Binya who lives in Ron and Natalie’s backyard. He talks in a weird voice, he’s yellow, and he’s the most obscure animal that Nickelodeon could think of, I’m sure. Binya Binya gave me nightmares for real.
The kids and their polliwog that’s taller than they are.
There was a puppet featured on the show named Chansome (why?) and he was a comical pelican. He would usually come to their front window and talk to whomever was around. I just realize that Finding Nemo totally stole that idea. Yep, definitely where that idea originated from–Gullah Gullah Island.
The show was sprinkled with songs and Ron and Natalie would always greet the audience by saying “Hey der!” It was a cute idea and it was the first show made for young children featuring a black family. Ground breaking stuff here on Nick Jr.
Problem Child
During the Middle Ages redheaded children were often burnt at the stake. These old timey knights and other castle people knew the potential of evil gingers. Unfortunately we live in a day and age where you can no longer destroy evil until after something happens. I wish Minority Report was real. We should be allowed to kill historically evil people before they strike. It’s the only thing we can do to stop something like the movie Problem Child from becoming a reality.
Problem Child is about John Ritter and real-life wife Amy Yasbeck adopting an evil redheaded child named Junior played by Michael Oliver. I think they only adopted Junior because he had red hair and Amy Yasbeck had it too. They wanted to fool everyone into thinking Amy Yasbeck’s character did not have a dried up uterus. Still wanting a son despite being married to a woman who lived too close to Three Mile Island, John Ritter turns to an adoption agent named Igor Peabody played by the only man who is disgusting enough to fit this name, Gilbert Gottfried.
Somehow the adoption agency fools the wannabe father and reluctant mother into thinking Junior is not an evil son of a bitch. It doesn’t take long once he gets home that they discover he’s like the other redheads in the world. Immediately Junior starts lighting fire, throwing cats into washing machines, and causing other mayhem I didn’t really care to see. John Ritter remains in denial that his new son is Satan. It’s the classic scene at a little league field where he realizes Junior is indeed the spawn of something cruel.
John Ritter’s father is a big business owner and sponsors a little league team which is how Junior gets onto the team without having to jump through all those hoops like sleeping with the league commissioner. I guess that’s the only hoop you have to jump through. Junior goes up to bat and after accidentally hitting his step-grandpa’s car with the bat, he is instructed to hold onto it. Junior takes this a little too literal. After getting a hit, he runs around the bases with the bat in his hand hitting all of the players with the bat. It’s probably not as funny as I remember it, except when he hits the catcher in the balls. That will always make me laugh.
Now convinced his son is evil, John Ritter tries to get rid of Junior. He’s a nice guy and overhears Junior asking God for an apology. Meanwhile he’s been writing letters to a prisoner played by Michael Richards. I’m not sure why he’s locked up exactly, but he probably didn’t get along too well with any of the homeboys.
Junior’s next big adventure happens at a neighbor’s birthday party. The birthday girl is really mean to him. It didn’t help that this was a costume party and Junior showed up dressed as Satan while the birthday girl was a ballerina. After he feels like everyone hates him, Junior goes about ruining the birthday completely like cutting off girl’s hair and throwing the presents in the pool. If you have an underground pool I have trouble feeling bad whenever anything happens to you. Growing up in my house if we wanted to cool off we put ice cubes down our pants. “Pools are for people who cannot afford ice trays” my father would say trying to make us sound wealthy as he begged the repo man to leave our TV.
Things get really bad for the family when Michael Richards gets out of prison and visits. He kidnaps Junior and Amy Yasbeck after Amy Yasbeck has convinced herself she’s in love with the serial killing Kramer. A final chase takes place at a circus. I won’t tell you how it ends because then you would never watch it. Then again, I told you about much of the other parts of the film so following that logic you would rent it then skip right to the last 20 minutes. Don’t do that. Don’t be lazy.
Problem Child was a nice film with a few good laughs. Robert Deniro’s character in Cape Fear really liked it. The famous smoking in the theater laughing scene takes place in a theater showing Problem Child. So I guess the target audience for this film might be recent parolees out for vengeance on the cop who put them away.
Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century
I started doing research on this Disney Channel Original Movie (DCOM) a while ago and realized how chock full this story line was. It’s pretty intense for a made for TV movie and that’s probably why it was always one of my favorites.
Zenon and her family are stationed in outer space. They are a few of the lucky ones who get to live up there to experience life in a different way and hopefully make it possible for other sectors full of humans to do the same. Zenon’s parents are scientists and she’s basically lived in space her whole life. She’s the trouble maker of her group of friends which is weird because her best friend, Nebula is played by Raven-Symone. Raven always plays the trouble maker so this was a weird departure for her.
Zenon and her crew. I refuse to believe there was that much diversity in space.
I loved everyone’s names in this movie. I wonder if their parents gave them space names while in space or they just figured that they would eventually end up in space at some point in their lives and it would all work out? Like, was Stephanie not an option any more? I think in Zenon: The Zequel, Zenon’s crush was named Orion and I thought that was like, the absolute coolest for some reason. All of the kids on board wear bright, shiny clothes and eat futuristic food. They’re taught by a hologram teacher–it’s just all so cool. Zenon and her friends are in love with a singer named Proto Zoa who sings the hit song “Super Nova Girl”. I hate that I know all of this off the top of my head. I also hate that I wish Proto Zoa was real because I really liked his song.
Zenon eventually gets in trouble and is sent to Earth as punishment (really offensive for all of us who have to live here). She has trouble fitting in with the Earth kidz and she has to live with her weird Aunt Judy who is terrified of space.
Eventually Zenon hatches a plan with two friends that she made to sneak back to her space station. While on Earth she found out that a big honcho in charge named Parker Wyndham has plans to shut down her space station for good. Zetus Lapetus! (That means OMG in space speak.) Zenon warns the captain of her space station and her parents about the danger they could be in, but they think it’s a ploy to get her back on board before her punishment was over. Also, Proto Zoa and his band Microbe were due to play their first concert in space during that time so they figured Zenon just wanted to be there for it. N00bz.
Conveniently, Zenon is able to create a virus (with the help of her new friends who happen to be 13 year old geniuses who can make viruses what?) to off put Wyndham’s evil plan. She catches a ride up to the space station because, before he leaves, Proto Zoa recognizes her as she was the winner of his contest so she gets to dance with him on stage. 
Everything eventually works out, Zenon saves the day and the Microbe concert is off the heezy. Just a typical day in space.
The Flinstones
Of all the shows we have written about on this site so far, The Flinstones might be the only one my grandmother has ever heard about. The only reason she’s heard about it is because it took place during her childhood!!!! Get it because old people and stuff? Nah she only knows it because there are absolutely no black people on The Flinstones. It was safe for her children. Now that I think about it, there were no black people on The Jetsons either. Was this Hannah Barbera’s idea of a Utopia?
September 30, 1960 was when The Flinstones debuted. Over its six season run it had 166 episodes. Not a single of these episodes is a memorable one either. You would think such a classic show would have classic moments. Of course there are the times when there were pelicans getting used as cement mixers or the gag where their cars are just them running which is cute, but it’s not a story. I guess back then when the home run record was still held by Babe Ruth and America’s biggest enemy was the Russians, not obesity, coming up with a clever idea was not on anyone’s mind.
The Flinstones focuses mainly on a family living during the Stone Age in a town called Bedrock. That’s what I call my bed whenever a girl comes over. I like to tie a girl down to the bed then drop heavy rocks on them. It tests if they’re a witch or not. In some earlier episodes the town was called Rockville. I prefer Bedrock so much more because naming a town with a “ville” at the end is too simple.
The father in the Flinstones is Fred. He’s fat, ugly, and basically an unfunny Homer Simpson. He has a redheaded wife named Wilma. As is the case and was pointed out in Family Guy, this was a formula that many cartoons came to use. The Honeymooners is the main basis of this plot structure. Hopefully this is true because I’m only basing it off a drunken memory.
(She regrets this marriage already)
Fred and Wilma have a daughter named Pebbles. Would you believe she doesn’t even come around until season three? She even has a cereal named after her, Fruity Pebbles. It’s nobody’s favorite. Do they even make it still? The Flinstones hasn’t been popular since Transformers came out in the 1980s. Who wants to watch old dead people pretend to drive cars when they can watch alien robots battle on earth for unclear purposes? A fool, that’s who.
In addition to having a daughter with a terrible cereal named after her, they have a pet dinosaur named Dino. Dino is basically a dog and he’s a cute character. I always felt bad for Dino because he was clearly retarded. I guess all animals are. If they weren’t then they would have religion, government, lying, and other things that make humans so much more advanced.
(Pebbles is the one with the red hair and Dino is the one that’s a dinosaur)
The Flinstones also have a pet Saber Tooth tiger named Baby Puss. Yeah, I’m not touching that joke. Baby Puss is the one who throws Fred out of the door during the opening credits. Baby Puss rarely ever made an appearance because the Hannah Barbera artists felt strange drawing something named Baby Puss. They had daughters to think about.
Next door to the Flinstones was the Rubble family. I would hate to have the last name Rubble. It makes me think of 9/11. I guess back then they didn’t have 9/11. Calendars weren’t invented for much longer so they weren’t being insensitive or anything. The dad in the Rubble family is Barney. He’s Fred’s blonde best friend with no real personality. Barney has a wife named Betty. Unlike Wilma who has little tiny Lily eyes, Betty has big gorgeous ones. She also wears a hot tiny turquoise number. For some reason despite being hot in the cartoon, in the live action movie they chose to have Rosie O’Donnell play Betty Rubble. Rosie O’Donnell looks a lot more like Fred Flinstone than anything. You can catch her in a clip from this terrible movie below.
Barney and Betty also have a disabled child named Bam Bam who likes to smash things. He’s not actually even really related to him, he’s adopted. Yep. People in the Stone Age cannot figure out the wheel yet adoption agencies exist. Maybe this is the charm cartoons have. We’re supposed to forget about reality and remember that all of the images we saw were probably drawn by lonely fat people or Japanese men.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Mooselicker Says: This piece was written by fellow blogger “Pen” over at Pen, Paper, and Crazy. Now, on with it.
First of all, this post is about the TV series that featured live people and not creepily drawn versions of them, in the case of the animated series or the comic book (which I only just discovered in my research for this post that there is a comic book).
This was sort of like a kid’s version of Charmed, I guess. I can’t remember when Charmed started, but it seems like witches were the thing of the late 90s. Like vampires are now.
Anyway, in Sabrina the Teenaged Witch, Sabrina is played by Melissa Joan Hart. I’ve never seen Ms. Hart in anything else, so I’m not sure about her merits as an actress. Perhaps she is only good at playing teenage witches. At least she has more expressions than Kristin Stewart.
Sabrina finds out in the first episode that she is a witch. She apparently did not know before this because in this universe, witches “come into their power” on their 16th birthday. I never understood why 16 was the magic number. The type of magic in this show has the ability to radically change everything and everyone. I feel like giving that ability to someone who can’t even vote is just irresponsible.
Sabrina lives with her two aunts, Hilda and Zelda (everyone has awful names), who are also witches. 500 year old witches. I guess that would make Sabrina’s dad also super old. But her mom is mortal, so that’s like…statutory rape in the witch world or something. I dunno. I try not to dwell on it too much.
There were a lot of character switcharoos and disappearances in this show. Explanations were never given. The most consistent characters besides Sabrina and her aunts were probably….
Sabrina’s love interest and boyfriend for most of the series. He’s sort of goofy and weird to me. I never really understood why Sabrina liked him so much. She perform a metric shit-ton of magic on him to prevent him from seeing her as a complete fuck-up. Seriously, a metric unit of it. Like, in the last couple seasons her magic stopped working on him and when she asked the witch council/boss dudes about it, they were like “You used too much effin’ magic on this dude.”
Somehow he still loves her. I think he ends up stopping her wedding to some random dude in the last episode. It’s very soap opera.
Salem is my favorite. He’s a snarky-assed mofo who constantly tries to take over the world. In fact, he does this so often (but unsuccessfully, obviously) that the witches council/boss dudes cursed him with being a cat for like, 500 years or something. A long ass time. And for some reason, he has to be taken care of by Sabrina’s aunts. I’m not really sure why. There was an episode that addressed that, but I missed it.
Anyway, Salem is pretty much Sabrina’s best friend. He’s the only one who will tell her how the whole magic thing actually works. Her aunts are constantly like “don’t use it too much, stop fucking with it, if you keep casting like that your finger’ll get stuck”. But Salem is also a snarky-ass conniving warlock who wants to take over the world, so a lot of his advice ends up fucking Sabrina over.
He also has a daughter, but she’s rarely on the show because Salem is super afraid and ashamed of her seeing him as a talking cat. Like that wouldn’t be the most awesome dad ever. And Salem has the best lines of the entire cast. Every episode. I think Nick Bakay must have been getting it on with a producer.
Libby was the stereotypical “bitchy rich girl” that was super jealous of Sabrina somehow getting shit to go her way. She also performed a lot of magic of Libby to prevent her from discovering that Sabrina is really just a dumbass that has a bag of tricks. But Libby didn’t stay on the show long enough to hit that magic metric-shit-ton, so she always had spells work on her.
I think at some point her and Sabrina became more like friends, but that isn’t like real high school at all. And also it ruins that stereotype that almost every show with a female high school aged heroine has.
Oh, also Libby has the hots for Harvey for some weird reason. Despite him being a big doofus who really isn’t that attractive.
In the first season Sabrina had some other friend who’s name I forget. She wasn’t important. But then the producers thought they didn’t to “expand and diversify” so they replaced her old friend (http://sharetv.org/person/michelle_beaudoin) with Valerie. Yes, they’re both white girls. Don’t worry, I am also puzzled. Perhaps the producers don’t quite understand what the word diversity means. Valerie was annoying. I didn’t like her. She was all whiney and always wanted Sabrina to help her with some bullshit. She was encouraging of Sabrina pursuing Harvey, but I think that was mostly because she hated Libby. Because I hate Libby, I don’t know much else about her.
Also, in terms of accuracy and respect for real life practicing Pagans and witches this show is pretty crap; I’d recommend Charmed or the movie Practical Magic if you’re looking for that.
But in terms of cheesy 90s kid’s show goodness gone a bit soap opera? This show gets an 8.
Mooselicker Says: Thanks Pen for writing this up. Now if anyone is curious to see how Melissa Joan Hart has fallen, check out her pathetic Kickstarter project. I’m weeping at how sad this is.
Labyrinth
Usually puppets and fantasy aren’t my thing, but I have to make an exception for the beautifully crafted film, Labyrinth. This film literally shaped my childhood. Well, David Bowie’s crotch had a lot to do with it, but still. I cannot say enough good things about this movie.
The story begins with Sarah (Jennifer Connelly lol), a girl with a tough life. She’s like 16 and has an infant baby brother that she gets stuck babysitting for. As an aspiring actress, she practices the lines of her play, especially the line that she can’t keep straight: “You have no power over me.”
A storm rolls in and Toby, her baby brother (gross name, I know), starts crying and she can’t get him to stop. In her play there is a goblin king, so she decides to call out for him to take this baby away from her. Magic happens, bing bang boom, David Bowie aka Jareth the Goblin King shows up in her house and takes her brother away, assuming that’s what she wanted. She begs him to return Toby to her, but the damage has already been done. Toby is locked in Jareth’s castle and the only way to get him back is to make a deal with the king himself. If Sarah could find her way to the castle through the immense labyrinth that guards it in thirteen hours, Toby would be hers. If not, she would have to be his Goblin Queen and live out the rest of her days with him.
Jareth’s Labyrinth
It’s not even funny how fast I would agree to be David Bowie’s Goblin Queen. Forget the kid.
At the Labyrinth gates Sarah meets Hoggle, a grumpy dwarf who shoots down faeries with pesticide and pees into fountains. He’s gross, but very annoying and unhelpful at the beginning of the movie. Sarah decides that she doesn’t need his help anyway and leaves him behind.
Meanwhile, Jareth is having a ball with Tobs.
Sarah finds herself struggling and making awful choices when it comes to choosing directions (up or down, in or out, left or right) and she ends up in an oubilette which is nerd speak for dark hole. Jareth sends Hoggle to help Sarah out of the oubilette, but also to lead her back to the beginning. Hoggle decides to help Sarah because he genuinely likes her and goes against Jareth’s instructions. OH HELL NAW.
Eventually Sarah meets a big gentle giant dog type thing with horns named Ludo. She rescues him from danger and they become friends. The group gets lost and finds their way into the Bog of Eternal Stench, where if you touch any part of the bog, you’ll stink forever. Horrifying.
Sarah meets another helpful hand named Sir Didymus, a small fox who guards a bridge. He joins their crew and lends a hand when he can. During the film things start to get trippy when Hoggle gives Sarah a peach to eat that sends her into a dream like trance. In her dream she dances with Jareth, feels like she’s in her old room again, and gets totally messed up.
The gang eventually find their way to the center of the Labyrinth (Goblin City) and they attack the townspeople. They win the battle, and Sarah goes to search for Toby in Jareth’s castle. She sees them in a staircase maze a la M. C. Escher style. Once she reaches Jareth, he asks for her to stay and instead of saying “Yes definitely.” She recites her monologue and says “You have no power over me.”
Victorious, Sarah and Toby are transported back to their home unscathed.
Side Note: This movie was directed by Jim Henson and produced by George Lucas on a budge of $25 mil. It only grossed $12 mil in theaters. Yikes.
Space Jam
What happens when you combine arguably the greatest athlete of all-time with the greatest cartoon character of all-time? You get a stoner movie. Really, that’s all Space Jam was. Like everything on Cartoon Network these days, Space Jam’s target audience were college kids with enough money for bud and not enough for rent. You will probably hate me for saying this, but Space Jam was a terrible movie.
(Is the title Space Jam supposed to be some kind of gross innuendo like South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut? I bet it is. Eww)
Besides the fact I hate basketball, I don’t really like Michael Jordan. He’s a gambler, a liar, he cheats on his wife, he covered up for his criminal father, despite what the ads say his shoes do not help you dunk, he was an asshole to Pippen, and his Hanes commercials used to make me think the slogan was “Wait’ll we get our hands on you.” Even the real slogan, “Wait’ll we get our Hanes on you” is bad enough. Who is going around putting underwear on unwilling participants? Screw Hanes. I would rather go commando.
The movie is about Michael Jordan’s desire to dominate another sport, baseball. It’s partially true in that MJ quit basketball to try America’s past time. I remember it being a big deal and having a few Michael Jordan baseball cards. As shown in the movie, Michael was pretty bad at baseball. He only spent the 1994 season at AA Birmingham (a great city for black people I hear) and here are his basic stats:
497 at-bats, 46 runs, 88 hits, 17 doubles, 1 triple, 3 home runs, 51 RBIs, 30 stolen bases, 18 caught stealing, 114 strikeouts, and a .202 batting average.
Without making you learn much about baseball, he stunk worse than Dennis Rodman’s fingers when he dated Carmen Electra.
Michael Jordan realizes his career as a baseball player is going nowhere while he’s golfing with Bill Murray. I can’t remember precisely, but I’m sure Bill Murray had a few Caddyshack quotes thrown into this movie. It’s when Jordan reaches into the golf hole that he is pulled inside. The mailman from Seinfeld/the guy that gets spit on by the dinosaur in Jurassic Park/Wayne Knight looks into the hole and is left wondering where MJ went.
Jordan ends up in a cartoon world where he meets classic Looney Tunes characters like Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and from a deleted scene Adolf Anteater. The character Adolf Anteater was removed from the film as his anti-Semitic character was not scene as appropriate in these modern days.
(Elmer Fudd should have totally had a pistol hidden in his pocket and finished off Bugs really easily here Jack Ruby style)
MJ is filled in on the horrors going on in Bugs Bunny’s world, Tune Land. A crew of evil aliens has traveled to Tune Land hoping to capture the cartoon characters, enslave them on an amusement park ride, and save the amusement park from economic downtimes. Of course this plan is similar to what Disney did with its ride “It’s A Small World After All” back in the 1950s. Genocides don’t exist. Disney just captures people then tosses them into their rides.
For some reason the alien monsters challenge the cartoons to a basketball game. Michael Jordan is basically a ringer for the cartoons aka Bugs Bunny is a cheater. Then again, the monsters are cheating too. They have stolen the basketball skills of popular players Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues, and Shawn Bradley. There was a really good deleted scene where the monster who steals Shawn Bradley’s skills gets chased out of town by all of Philadelphia. Too sports inside? I’m sorry.
(This sums up Shawn Bradley’s basketball career)
So Michael Jordan starts playing basketball with a bunch of cartoons. I guess it’s funny. I mean it’s all of these old classic cartoon characters and Michael Jordan who gets a D+ for acting. The movie isn’t so much about basketball as much as it is about believing yourself which is why the R. Kelly lyrics “I believe I can fly” are played without. Wow I forgot R. Kelly was involved in this project. And I thought Michael Jordan was a scumbag. At least he’s never peed on a Girl Scout.
Kids from my generation loved this movie. I never did much at all. I thought it was unfunny and featured watered down versions of Looney Tunes characters. This was nothing more than a marketing indulgence featuring cartoon characters for younger kids and a famous athlete for the older ones.
In the end Michael Jordan learned a valuable lesson, he’s not good at anything other than hogging the ball. In my opinion Wayne Gretzky was much better at his sport. Gretzky had more assists than any player had goals and assists combined. Share the wealth MJ, Pippen’s open.
Rupert
I’ve always had a soft spot for Rupert Bear. He’s a very sweet character with zero flaws. But he’s not the kind of character where you hate him so much for being perfect, you just end up loving him more. I was lucky enough to live in England for 3 years and in my town they had a Heritage Museum featuring Rupert Bear. It was pretty random and weird, but I accepted it and loved it.
Rupert is a white bear who lives in the English countryside with his mother and father. This show was originally aired in the 70′s, but it was also aired in the 90′s on Nickelodeon and CBS. Not sure if they are two different versions or not…too lazy to look it up/ I don’t really care. Actually, the show is based off of a book series that was around way before the 70′s. I think I’m making stuff up already and it’s only the second paragraph. I’m going to go ahead and assume that Rupert is a polar bear which is weird because shouldn’t he be living in the Arctic? He has a sweet little British accent and has many friends to go on adventures with. Unlike Little Bear, Rupert and his friends actually wear clothes because they’re modest, upstanding citizens.
Rupert’s best friend is Bill Badger who is definitely a stereotypical English type of friend. He’s kind of like Ron Weasley from Harry Potter, but less afraid of things. Bill and Rupert make a good team even though they have old man names.
And they dress like old men too!
Other friends include Podgy Pig, Algy Pug, Pong Ping, and Tiger Lily. If you judge them from their names, it’s pretty easy to figure out what their character is like. Podgy is a chunky pig who likes food and isn’t ashamed of it. His appetite tends to get the gang in bad situations so everyone finds Podgy slightly annoying. I don’t know what the creators were going for with this one. Maybe trying to teach the dangers of being gluttonous? And by dangers, I mean fun.
Algy is a confident pug that overestimates his abilities often. Also, he’s a pug. I have to give props to the animators for trying to draw a believable pug. Algy looks more like a long lost relative of Podgy’s than a pug but oh well. A for effort.
Pong Ping is a pekinese dog from China. He is very wise and his name is basically the best part of the entire show. He’s a fun friend for Rupert to have because one time he took him to China in his underground elevator. That alone is a big perk to being friends with Pong Ping. And of course he knows everything about everything so I’m sure he gives good advice. And I’m pretty sure being friends with him would bring honor to your family. Jus’ sayin’.
Tiger Lily is the only human on the show which ruins everything. Either let Nutwood be full of animals living in houses, or let it be full of people living in houses. IT CANNOT BE BOTH. Wayy too much confusion. Tiger Lily is also from China which is weird. Like, there’s too much of an Asian influence in this quaint British town to make this feel believable. That being said, I do like Tiger Lily’s name solely because it’s my go-to Lazer Tag name.
As soft and sweet as Rupert and his gang are, they get into some great adventures. There are castles and knights, and magic, and time machines and basically anything you can think of. Oh and China. Lots of China.
