Hook

It’s hard to go wrong with the Peter Pan story. Written by a guy who dated a sick woman with children played by Johnny Depp in a movie (I’m entirely too lazy to look up the real writer’s name) it’s a classic tale about never wanting to grow up. Women have played Peter Pan for goodness sake and it wasn’t entirely tragic. He’s got his own bus company and peanut butter. Through all of Peter Pan’s fame I will still forever always be the biggest fan of the version showed in Hook.

I never would have guessed Robin Williams would have made a good Peter Pan. Somehow he is responsible for a lot of great 90s movies. Hook is different from other classic versions of the tale because it takes place when Peter Pan has actually done the last thing he wanted to do, suck a dick. I’m kidding. He grew old. But I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to do the other either.

After leaving Neverland, Peter Pan has become Robin Williams. He has a boring job, he’s married Wendy’s daughter, and he has two kids. He’s pretty much forgotten his old days in Neverland until his children are kidnapped and a note with a hook in it is left on the door. Peter Pan who now goes by Peter Panning (or Banning depending on where you look) may not remember, but Wendy does.

(Peter Pan grows up to have thin hair, wear vests, and owns a bow-tie. No wonder he wanted to stay young forever)

Tinkerbelle played by Julia Roberts comes and fills Peter Pan in on what’s going on. She flies him to Neverland where he tries to save his children from Captain Hook, played by Jewish actor Dustin Hoffman. As much as I never expected to see Robin Williams as Peter Pan, I never expected to see Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook. Somehow though, he pulls off an amazing Jewish pirate.

Captain Hook doesn’t buy it that Robin Williams really is Peter Pan as many people who read about this film probably wouldn’t. He fails to save his children then is forced to walk the plank. He falls into the water and really hot Goth mermaids make out with him. I remember that scene very vividly because as a 6 year old it was like porn to be surrounded by three mermaids with colorful hair wanting to kiss you. Although now that I think about it, I think they were just providing him with oxygen. Why else would someone kiss Robin Williams?

(A guy wearing a bow-tie and girls with crazy colorful hair going after him. Guys, I think this is a hipster getting attacked by emo women)

Peter Pan ends up at the place where the Lost Boys live. They’re wild teenager led by the new Pan (I guess that’s a job title) named Rufio. Rufio has spiky hair and is a total ass like most teenagers with spiky hair. The younger Lost Boys believe he really is Peter Pan after the smallest and blackest little boy pinches his face and says “There you are Peter.”

The film follows as Peter Pan gets back in shape for a war with the pirates. It isn’t until the awesome dinner scene where they eat colorful imaginary food and Peter Pan slices a melon in half thrown at him by Rufio where everyone realizes he’s back. This scene is all about imagination. When he does finally see the invisible food they say in creepy voices “You’re doing it Peter. You’re doing it.” This might have been the worst ad-libbing in a film ever.

(Rufio is easily in my top 10 favorite film characters of all-time. Just look at him, he’s so cool looking! And he has no parents! Party at Rufio’s)

Meanwhile on the pirate ship, Peter Pan’s daughter is being a little brat. His son on the other hand is falling for Captain Hook’s Jewish charm. He’s not sure he ever wants to go back to his dad. He gets to play baseball with the pirates, break clocks with them, and he says something about blowing bubbles in his chocolate milk which made me start to blow bubbles in my chocolate milk after. Peter Pan’s son eventually also starts dressing like Captain Hook, you know, gay.

It isn’t until Peter Pan sees his son hanging out with Captain Hook and having fun when he finally can think a happy thought. I won’t tell you what it is because this was probably the most boring part of the film when you’re a little boy. I guess it’s a beautiful moment though. He eventually does learn how to fly and that’s when Rufio admits Peter is the real Pan, not him. They begin to crow together and then the big fight happens.

(At one point Captain Hook threatens to kill himself. The detective from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? stops him. He also waxes his mustache with ear wax)

The big fight is very comical and I’d put it up there in my Top 10 final battles in films. I’m not sure what else would go up there. Avatar had a really good one. Kill Bill Volume 1 was nice too. It’s on that same level, just less bloody. The highlight is when the fat black kid rolls into a ball and knocks over pirates like bowling pins. Basically the Lost Boys beat the pirates by shooting paint into their eyes which is kind of dick.

I won’t spoil the rest because there’s still a big standoff with Captain Hook. Peter Pan’s son yells “bad form!” at one point which is the most ridiculous thing you could ever yell while a pirate is fighting your father. You’ll have to see for yourself how this film eventually turns out.

(How does it end? You’ll have to rent it from your local Blockbuster or Palmer Video for the conclusion)

Do I recommend this movie? Yes times a thousand. This is brilliant, beautiful, and if you like other Robin Williams movies like Jumanji or Mrs. Doubtfire you must see this because it’s even better.

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