Hannah Montana

I should probably wait a little bit and earn your respect before revealing this but I am very impatient and don’t like you much anyway. I will confess I have seen every episode of the first season of Hannah Montana. THE FIRST! Only the first. The second season went real downhill. I mean really, are we supposed to still believe after all the fame and fortune she has received that nobody recognizes her yet? Come on. Give me a break.

(I also don’t remember anyone ever saying to her “Hey, you look like that popstar everyone loves.” Clearly they’re the same person. The large gums and snaggle tooth give it away)

Why did I watch Hannah Montana? It’s the same reason people do drugs, it’s easy and simple. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying drugs aren’t difficult to get or do. I wouldn’t know where to get them and once handed a spoon, a lighter, and powder I’d probably try to make a cupcake. Hannah Montana is like drugs in the way it helps turn off your brain. Like everything The Disney channel was producing 4-5 years ago, Hannah Montana helped me forget about my problems.

The basic premise of the show was Hannah Montana is an 8th grade girl (see how I could relate to this when I was a college student?) who by day is a dork and by night she is a rock star who sings pop music. Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus but he’s not really Billy Ray Cyrus. The real Billy Ray Cyrus just doesn’t want other men around his daughter, she’s all his. Hannah has a brother named Jackson who is a 30-year-old man playing a 16-year-old kid. Seriously? You couldn’t get someone a little bit closer? Her best friends are Lily (no, not the cowriter of this blog) and Mitchel Musso. I don’t remember what Mitchel Musso’s name is on the show and it’s more fun to call him Mitchel Musso anyway.

(Mitchel Musso in his lifelong struggle to see what he can grow longer, his hair or his nose)

The show follows Hannah’s struggles at balancing her music life and her everyday life. Why does she need to hide this act? She lives in a really nice house on a Malibu Beach. Her dad doesn’t really work so everyone must be assuming he’s a drug dealer or owns a sweat shop. As you can tell already, Hannah Montana is full of plot holes.

What made this show tolerable were the familiar storylines, the simple dialogue, and the bright colors. Miley Cyrus pretty much ruined the show’s run by taking a picture of her posing in a purple shirt and showing off her stomach. As a man I can safely and comfortably say a girl lifting up her purple shirt to show off her flat 16-year-old stomachs is not sexy. Maybe I’m just not creepy enough which I doubt.

We all know the story of what happened to Miley Cyrus after her show ended with a whimper. She’s gigantic. Miley Cyrus makes more money every time she farts than everyone reading this post will ever make. To be fair to you rich people reading this, Miley Cyrus farts a ton.

(A face only a fart could ever make)

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19 thoughts on “Hannah Montana

  1. I’m not gonna lie. Hannah Montana has some good songs, my favorite being, “If we were a movie.” One time when my son was recovering from thumb surgery, don’t ask…, he watched HM round the clock and became a fan. It may have been the drugs he was on, I’m not sure. Anyway, somehow we ended up with lots of HM on our iTunes. Hmmm….

    • You’re right about her music, I was almost going to insult it then realized she’s a pretty good singer. I never went so far as to download things of hers on iTunes. I don’t think she’s missing out on my money though.

      I’m glad your son and I have something so strange in common. I wish I could blame drugs, I can’t.

  2. Hahah omg I called my brother and told him that you wrote about HM and he was insanely jealous. HM does have some good tunes though. I have to agree with my mom.
    But in all seriousness, this was an amazing post. So funny and awesome. Especially the part about Mitchel Musso. You didn’t mention that little troll kid who sold refreshments on the beach. I don’t remember his name on the show, but I remember his name is real life was Moises and I hated him for that reason.

  3. Hahaaa! Your captions!!!

    Never saw the show…to be honest I thought that Hannah Montana was Lindsay Lohan.
    Thank you for clearing that up!

    It’s good to have shows/books that we can use to escape the world, or at least make it more palatable if we’re stuck in it.

    • I wish I wasn’t as unclear about this show as you seem to be. You do know it makes you cool to be clueless right? And I’m the loser for knowing too much about Hannah Montana. Be happy I limited my HM knowledge. There’s a lot more I know a boy my age shouldn’t.

    • It’s like knowing there’s a house fire down the block. You know you shouldn’t take a look, but at the same point curiosity will always win. Glad you learned something valuable here today.

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