Dear Amanda Bynes,
I hope this poem crosses no boundaries or lines,
I’ve had a thing for you ever since I can remember,
Your face in my mind January through December.
You began your career on the show All That,
Your costar Lori Beth Denberg was incredibly fat.
The show never made me laugh much, I blame the writing,
But knowing you could make an appearance made things exciting.
From there you got your own spinoff called The Amanda Show,
Your career was on the rise, one might say it began glow.
The next hit you had was a show called What I Like About You,
Amanda, don’t make me list all those reasons, that list I could never get through.
You have unique beauty that could often go overlooked,
If you were a prostitute and I was a John you would be overbooked.
In 2007 you signed a deal with clothing company Steve & Barry’s,
By 2009 the company filed for bankruptcy, that must have felt like a punch to the ovaries.
In 2010 you retired from being an actor,
For your decision I’m sure there were many factors.
But then you decided to come back for the fans you adore,
Amanda Bynes was not done yet, Hollywood would have itself a war.
You played a religious villain in the film Easy A,
I actually watched the movie on FX while I was on vacation in LA.
There was nothing else on the television and I did not feel like going out,
But having you on my TV screen gave me no reason to pout.
Earlier this year you had some legal troubles,
Your drinking and driving left your career in rubbles.
From She’s the Man to Sydney White,
Amanda Bynes your edge had lost its bite.
Go back to the days when you were young, mean, and cocky,
Don’t let your figure go, I’m not into girls who are stocky.
Since you have no license I offer you this,
Give me one call and I’ll drive you anywhere for just the price of one kiss.
I’ll take you anywhere my Subaru can drive us,
You have to admit, I am a lot less creepy than any guy you would meet on the city bus.
To your summer home, to a job, or even to the moon we shall go,
With me in your life Amanda Bynes, you will once again begin to glow.
So leave me your name and maybe even your number,
I’ve got a queen size bed welcome for you to take a slumber.
I can see us growing old together and having a happy life,
So I ask you Amanda Bynes, please be my mentally unstable wife.