The Mighty Ducks

Few film franchises have spawned their own cartoon shows and even fewer have stolen tax dollars to put a new hockey arena in a city. The Mighty Ducks managed to do them both.

(Emilio Estevez in a denim shirt, Dockers, and a pose that says “Look what I have to deal with!” I also like you cannot even see the face of the one kid on the team who had a great acting career post-Mighty Ducks)

There’s not much to say about the cartoon series The Mighty Ducks. It was never very popular. The plot of the show was there are duck people from outer space that come to earth to fight crime and play hockey. They needed the hockey part so they could at least relate to the movie in a little bit.

(This could not have less to do with the film)

I would much rather talk about the film than the TV show because I’d have to do too much research on the show whereas I am a Mighty Ducks film expert already. This is how big of a Mighty Ducks fan I am. When I was in elementary school I owned 3 different hats of the team. A girl asked me if I liked the movie or the team. I said the movie. She nodded and never spoke to me ever again.

As an aspiring screenwriter (aspiring means I write it then stare at it forever unsure what to do next) I believe you should write what you know. The very first “film” I ever wrote was a Mighty Ducks parody film called The Mighty Cocks where instead of a duck their symbol is a rooster so that way things sound dirtier. From a storyline standpoint it’s very badly written. Joke-wise I still think it’s clever at times although you might have to be as obsessed with The Mighty Ducks to get all of the jokes, but who isn’t obsessed with that film? I know I am. I own an autographed 8×10 Mighty Ducks poster signed by Emilio Estevez.

The Mighty Ducks was The Bad News Bears for hockey. It’s about a team of miscreant Pee Wee Hockey players who get a new coach, hotshot lawyer Gordon Bombay portrayed by Emilio Estevez. “He’s never coached. They’ve never won. Together they’ll learn everything about winning!” If that tagline doesn’t hook you in maybe the fact that The Movie Minute called it “A Definite Winner!” The Movie Minute doesn’t hand out exclamation points to everyone.

The film made Joshua Jackson’s career, possibly killed Emilio Estevez’s, and got the kid from Heavyweights a future starring role in Heavyweights. I think we can all agree the best character in the film was the Jewish goalie Goldberg. Do Jewish people live in Minnesota? And if they did, why would they play hockey? Goldberg was originally from Philadelphia which does have a large enough Jewish population but not enough to stereotype. I think Flyers jerseys were just cheap in the early 90s so they made him from Philly.

(“Let’s make the fat Jew the goalie. Fat people move slowly and you don’t need as much rhythm for the position as you might others.” – the first coach Goldberg ever had)

One creepy observation about the film I would like to make is about the villain Coach Reilly. Coach Reilly coached Emilio Estevez when he was in Pee Wee’s 20 years earlier and he’s still coaching Pee Wee hockey. There is never any mention of a wife, a kid, or anything else to let us know his life isn’t about coaching fresh-faced children hockey. I’m not saying Coach Reilly was a pedophile but he really did have the most handsome kids on his team, The Hawks. Hawk if you didn’t know is German for “Kid Toucher.”

This was and still is a great movie. It spawned two sequels which were okay but nothing ever beats the original. In the second one the entire team makes the Junior Olympic Squad. Am I really supposed to believe Goldberg is one of the best goalies in the country after having a good half-season? Bite me, I’m not buying it.

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