Strange Annoying Potentially Kidney Diseased Side Characters

This title could be this blog’s Elderly Woman Behind a Counter in a Small Town. Somehow I crammed 7 words into the title. I think that’s 12% of the words I know. This piece will cover three specific side characters. The only thing they have in common is that they were strange, annoying, and potentially had a kidney disease.

Rico – Hannah Montana – Played by Moises Arias


(As Michael Barbera used to say in second grade, Strawberry milk is for the gay kids. He always knew best)

Don’t let the “I” in Moises fool you, this kid will be wandering around Hollywood for years trying to find a job. I could not stand Rico. He was a spoiled brat who worked on at some booth on the beach selling different souvenirs. He never really worked either. His dad was the manager so he would show up and bother Hannah Montana’s brother, Jackson, who worked there. Why was Jackson working? His sister was a millionaire pop-star and still the dad was sending him out to work. At least wait until he’s out of high school even though, let me reiterate this, the actor who played 16 year old Jackson was 30 in real life at the time.

The most troublesome thing about Rico was his face. I know all babies are beautiful but I can’t imagine it with this kid. He really looks like a giant bug. What is it with TV shows thinking audiences will enjoy evil little kids like Rico? I’m pretty sure he’s still an incredibly tiny person. Considering he’s part mosquito though, he’s doing pretty well as far as size is concerned.

That Fat Kid Who Sells Newspapers – Wizards of Waverly Place – Played by Who Cares?


(His name is actually Paul Litt and I guess he has his own shoe brand. Here’s a stock tip, do not invest)

Unlike Rico, I actually liked this kid. He was chubby, always wore a tracksuit, and his actor chops weren’t too bad as far as doing accents was concerned. This fat tumble of joy never became a serious cast member. It’s a good thing because what the heck does a fat 10 year old selling newspapers have to do with wizards?

This character’s main purpose was to bother the brothers in the Russo Family and occasionally hit on Selena Gomez. I remember him subtly propositioning her for sex which is a little racy, even for Disney channel. Remember, this was the same company that made Vanessa “That’s My Bush” Hudgens a star. What makes me think this actor might have a kidney disease is that he has an old man’s face along with the personality one might expect from a fat man living in Brooklyn. I think the role was originally intended to be for a man in his 40s but you can pay children a lot less and treat them even more terribly.

Beans – Even Stevens – Played by Steven Anthony Lawrence


(This photo has sparked a new search for the Fountain of Youth)

I never watched Even Stevens yet the character Beans was so incredibly popular he transitioned fandom of the show. I’m hoping there was an episode where they explained why he was named after a burrito ingredient because the kid already has some weird disease. I always thought Beans was my generation’s Corky. I don’t think Beans actually had Down Syndrome. In the advertisements I saw they sometimes made it seem like he might.

Oddly enough Beans probably had the second best career after Even Stevens ended after Shia. The made for Disney Channel film Cadet Kelly was all Christy Carlson Romano ever did. It’s about Hilary Duff in a military school or something stupid like that. Beans as we all remember had a near starring role in the Will Ferrell film Kicking and Screaming about a Pee Wee soccer team. Beans looked a little less scary at this point. Now though, he’s in his early 20s and bald. Quite unfortunate because I saw him as the next Brando, you know, having a big career and then fizzling out toward the end.


7 thoughts on “Strange Annoying Potentially Kidney Diseased Side Characters

  1. That picture of Beans will scar me for life. And the name Moises has already traumatized me. I thoroughly enjoyed the Moises/Moses joke. You should dedicate a single post talking about how creepy it is that Jackson played a 15 year old when he was 30 something. When my brother and I found that out we screamed in horror.
    Paul Litt does have an old man’s face. That’s weird. I feel like I watched quite a bit of Wizards, but I don’t remember him really. I remember too much of Harper though.

    • I couldn’t find a good Paul Litt photo of him actually on the show. He was very minor, probably in 4 episodes. He was not as creepy looking in the picture I used as I remembered.

      You are credited with the assist on this “piece.” Your mention of Moises on the Hannah Montana post inspired me. Your life was not a waste.

  2. There’s nothing worse than a kidney diseased side character. Either one of those by themselves is bad enough. They look vaguely familiar to me. I probably took in their images subliminally but then tried to block them from my conscious self.
    Funny stuff, Tim. 🙂

    • They really are a triple threat of terribleness aren’t they? Beans is the most recognizable because of his fame. If you know him you’ll pretty much get the jist of the rest.

      Thank you for reading and you’re welcome for enjoying.

    • His voice is pretty annoying too. I probably should have posted clips of these characters so you could really see how obnoxious they are. Moises also has the token Disney Channel boy haircut which is totally disgusting.


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