Life has many possibilities. One of those possibilities is not turtles stepping into green ooze in a sewer then becoming human-like teenagers. I guess that’s what television for, exploring complete impossibilities.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was probably in my top 5 shows. I even remember the show making it onto my Myspace Top 8. That’s when you know you’re lonely, when a TV show is one of your best friends. There are so many great things about this show I’m not going to waste your time any further on how I cried last night in a friendless empty bed.
There were four turtles on this show. They were:
Leonardo: The leader. He wore a blue bandana. Each turtle wore a different colored bandana because I guess even they couldn’t tell each other apart. Chinese people do the same thing now I hear. Leonardo was brave, fierce, and smart. I never liked him much because he was everything I would never be. How is a mutant turtle ballsier than I am? I’m such a loser.
Raphael: The renegade. Raphael would often question Leonardo’s leadership abilities. He wore a red bandana and his weapon of choice was those fork things Japanese people fight with. I’m not sure what they’re called but they look sharp. Raphael was cool, but he’d get annoying sometimes. He’d always have fits and he had no reason to question Leonardo. I think Raphael had some control issues and this is why he never married. That and because there were no female mutant turtles.
Michelangelo: The fat one. Although he was always eating pizza, he really wasn’t even any fatter. Maybe he’s one of those people with naturally high metabolism. This guy wore the orange bandana because nobody likes the color orange and nobody likes gluttons, except for chubby chasers. I had an action figure of Michelangelo and it could throw pizzas. On paper this sounds like a good idea but does that really stop the bad guys? All it does is mess up their shirt and I’d imagine it would piss them off even more.
Donatello: The nerdy one. I was probably the only kid on earth whose favorite turtle was Donatello. He wore the purple bandana which I guess makes me gay. What a strange way to discover I’ve been living a lie. Donatello would use his smarts more than anything. Even his usual weapon was just a giant stick. Rather than maim or stab enemies all Donatello could do was smack them with a long hard piece of wood. The more I write about Donatello the more I realize he probably was a symbol for gay children.
Looking at the turtle’s names one can determine each was named after a famous artist. Originally one was going to be named Vincent after Van Gogh but turtles do not have ears to cut off.
The turtles did not always know martial arts. They were trained by an equally as gigantic wise rat named Splinter. This is a terrible name for anybody. Nobody likes getting splinters. Do people still get splinters? It seems like everything is made out of plastic now. So I guess recycling does have a purpose. It saves people from a splinter which hurts the needle industry because why would you need a needle except to remove a splinter or to practice Voodoo?
(Is he in the hospital? He must be, no place else has a TV high up in the corner. What hospital accepts rats as patients? And why is there a giant egg on the ceiling?)
The main bad guy on the show was The Shredder. Sometimes he just went by Shredder though. He’s like the band Pixies. You don’t call them Pixies, you call them the Pixies. Shredder was a good bad guy because you never saw his face. The audience always had to wonder if he had some strange deformity or if he was simply self-conscious. Along with Shredder were a massive amount of foot soldiers who wore purple masks. Needless to say, I loved the foot soldiers, not just because of their purpleness, and demanded my parents buy me as many foot soldiers action figures as possible. That was the clever thing about action figures back then. Every show had a foot soldier type on it and kids like me needed to build up an army of them to be accurate.
(A bow-legged action figure with pointy eyebrows…nice)
My two favorite characters on the show however were Bebop and Rocksteady. This was a hippo and a rhino team who were clumsy and oafish. They worked for Shredder because UPS would not hire a hippo or rhino. I’m not sure why I liked them so much but I did. Perhaps it was because they always got the short end of everything. It’s hard to root against characters who seem like underdogs.
(They really are a perfect match for each other)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles managed to also spawn three live action movies. The first was okay, the second was great, and the third they travel back in time to Ancient China as that seems to be the Back to the Future formula, doing something almost totally irrelevant. There’s only one way to really end this piece and it’s with a classic song from the second film.