All kids should go to summer camp. I went to a summer camp once. My memories from it are throwing a kickball at the hot counselor’s head and her yelling at me, two fat kids dating because they were a perfect match, a kid named PJ who licked everything, a mean kid who wore short-shorts but he also wore a seat belt on the bus despite being mean, and seeing lots of little boy penises. It was a sports camp yet most of the time we hid in the bushes sharing sodas and getting undressed. Camp is nothing like they made it out to be on Salute Your Shorts.
(I’ve seen casts on legs more attractive than the cast on this show)
Salute Your Shorts only lasted two seasons and had in total 26 episodes. The New Girl has already had more episodes. What’s that say about society? Salute Your Shorts follows a group of campers at Camp Anawanna and the adventures they have. The characters include a few girls who nobody ever liked, Sponge Harris, Robert “Bobby” Budnick, and of course Eddie “Donkeylips” C. Gelfen. There was also I guess a big storyline about the girls liking the new kid named Michael who only lasted a season. Then they brought in an even cuter guy for Season Two. Let’s not talk about that part of the show. We would have rented a Sandra Bullock movie if we wanted to watch hack stories.
The main villain on the show was Kevin “Ug” Lee. Say his nickname and his last name real fast and you get the joke. And indeed, he was ugly. He’d put sun tan lotion on his nose. He also yells at the kids for using the word fart. I guess he wasn’t so much a mean guy as much as he was trying to protect himself from skin cancer and trying to teach manners.
(I never wore suntan lotion because of Ug’s gross white nose)
Sponge is a nerdy kid and his name in real life is Tim. You can only imagine how much this made me lose faith in ever achieving anything. Bobby Budnick is the troublemaking redhead. He also sells out John Conner in the second Terminator movie while at an arcade. I guess he didn’t know the future of the free world was at hand, but still, why would you help a cop looking for your friend? Clearly your friend did something wrong. What a dick. And then there’s Donkeylips. He’s a big fat mess and the ultimate symbol of childhood obesity. He’s dumb and has to live with the fact his nickname is Donkeylips. The only time the nickname Donkeylips is a good thing is if you’re a female fetish porn star. Think about it. Now feel uncomfortable.
Unlike many other shows that came after, Salute Your Shorts never relied on gimmicks or guest stars. The only person they ever had was the woman who did Chucky Finster’s voice. All I can remember about her was she bent over to tie her shoes and get stuck in a bent over position. The kids went and got Ug to help and they sort of fell in love but only sort of because remember, he was ugly.
The most unfortunate thing about this show is nobody went on to do much despite it being one of the more well-liked shows on Nickelodeon. Sponge was killed during the filming of Jurassic Park Two when an animatronic T-Rex stepped on him. Donkeylips lost a lot of weight and now lives in Austria composing music. Bobby Budnick did some voiceover work, which most notably include Stoop Kid from Hey Arnold! I actually made those first two things up. I have no clue what happened to Sponge and Donkeylips’ only achievement was becoming an Eagle Scout in the Boy Scouts. ::covers mouth:: Gaaay!
(One of the chicks on the show. I would be an Eagle Scout if I failed to mention she actually was and continued to be attractive. I used to only like white girls when I was younger and probably never noticed her. That’s not to say actress Heidi Lucas is not white, she just has many non-white features. Am I sounding like a racist? I really hope not. After all, I am saying I would–you know what never mind)
Salute Your Shorts was your standard Nickelodeon gem in the early 90s. It had memorable characters with memorable names. The stories weren’t very valuable to our lives which sometimes can be nice. My favorite episode was the water balloon capture the flag episode. I noticed they used the same 10 actors on the opposing team and pretended they were like 30 different kids. I’ve always been a great observer of little things like that. Don’t have a flaw. I will notice it. Maybe this is why I’m so alone. ::covers mouth and cries::