Totally Spies

I watched this show in the privacy of my own room in the early morning while I got ready for school. High school. I would turn the TV on to wake myself up, and find all these sweet shows, Totally Spies being one of them. They helped me become more self-conscious before I went to school than I already was.

I only say that because Totally Spies was animated in that anime type style where it’s anime but you forget that it is. Anime illustrators always make their girls look super attractive. Big eyes, good hair, long legs. Everything that Asian people don’t have but want so desperately. I’m pretty sure they live vicariously through anime characters.

This show was about teenage spies and nothing else really. I forget how they became spies in the first place. You can’t just become a spy. Actually, maybe you can? I have no idea, but this just seems too convenient that they’re all the same age and happen to be really good spies. Whatever.

Clover is the head girl in the group. I say this because she usually stands in the middle of the other two and she has blonde hair. Blondes are always the leaders because they’re the most Aryan and pretty. Don’t argue with this logic. Clover is obsessed with boys and shopping and everything that a teenage girl would like. Sometimes she can be a brat, but she was a likeable brat. All of the girls had spy uniforms (weird) and hers was a bright red catsuit. How do you go unnoticed in an outfit like that? So stealth.

Occasionally the girls went undercover in dumb outfits, trying to blend in with the crowd, but they usually stuck to their sexy uniforms.

Sam was the second coolest because she had long hair. That’s literally the only reason she was cool. Other than that she was really lame because she was a ginger and she pulled her bangs back and they always looked weird. She also liked studying and being smart which is super boring. At least the animators had enough sense to put Sam in a green catsuit to compliment her ginger locks. I’m still mad at Disney for dressing Ariel in a pink dress. Who would make such an awful decision?

WHY IS SAM WEARING PINK?!

The last spy was Alex. I assumed that she was black, but she didn’t really have black hair. She wore it in a sleek bob. Oh sorry, apparently her dad is white and her mom is black. Why do people on Wikipedia know the most obscure details about shows? Alex is the sporty one and the one who will eventually be a lesbian when she’s older. She might even cut her hair and people won’t know if she’s a boy or a girl and with a name like Alex, that could be super confusing. But good for spying. Imagine if James Bond could get away with dressing like a girl. Unstoppable.

The girls work for a serious old man named Jerry. He is the founder of W.O.O.H.P. (World Organization of Human Protection) and he provides the girls with their missions. You’d think he could find some more established spies than teenage girls. Is Jerry a pedophile? I guess the girls aren’t children, so he couldn’t really be a pedophile. But he could be considered a creepy old man.

He sets them up with sweet gadgets and seems to love the girls and they weirdly love him back. However, they do complain about going on missions a lot, which is annoying because it’s like, you don’t have to be spies, ya know? Go work at McDonald’s and see how much you like that.

G.L.A.D.I.S. is the Gadget Lending and Distribution Interactive System. She’s basically a robot that talks to the girls. She’s kind of annoying because she thinks she’s super cool. Someone should tell her that she’s not really alive and anyone could take her apart in less than a minute.

The show had some good drama involving another group of girls at a rival school. There are three of them: Mandy, Dominique, and Caitlin. They all have dark hair (the sign of evil people) and are super popular. Mandy is Clover’s rival, Dominique is Sam’s and Caitlin is Alex’s. Isn’t that cute? And they all fight over this guy named David who isn’t even that cute.

Advertisement