Sid the Science Kid

Mooselicker Says: This piece, and it is a piece after all because it is a work of art, is brought to us by a man named Carter Johns. I asked him if he had anything to promote. He said he did not then chased me off with a stick. Anyway, here’s what he wrote.

The first clue that this show is kind of effed is the CGI. The Uncanny Valley of the Muppet-derived forms (the show is a spawn of The Jim Henson Company) isn’t persistent, but the voice synchronization at times can make your stomach turn. It’s either that or the acid. Quite possibly the acid.

Speaking of acid, I have choked many episodes down my eye- and earholes and reached the conclusion that all the kids on this show are on drugs. I can’t find a better explanation. Sid has to be the youngest amphetamine addict I’ve ever seen. He darts from room to room, fixates on his singular interest, and uses his charismatic narcissism to steer the entire class to indulging his daily whims. He may be selectively autistic like the people who claim to have Asperger’s syndrome; I’m not on to judge, nor am I well-versed in that spectrum). You know how kids sometimes ask a million questions, until you just wish Roe vs. Wade was more legally binding? That’s Sid for 30 straight minutes. The other kids allow it because they’re zonked into the kind of vague enthusiasm you get right after you get high, before you gotta search for that next fix baby. I mean…what?

Gabriela is the closest to normal, so I figure she’s been drinking to deal with the slow-track education pace and the portent of a desperate adolescence. Slow-tongued May probably takes heroin with her Frosted Flakes every morning because she is as languid as a sloth in the summer. In one episode, she claims she’d eat a spoiled banana because she doesn’t want it to be sad that it has no friends; she could be a big stoner. Gerald drinks some beers with Gab, snorts speed with Sid, passes doobies to May; he just likes to party man. Their teacher, Susie, probably has an ecstasy and antidepressant cocktail every morning to deal with her never-was singing career and the school’s crippled budget, reducing the school’s enrollment to four and rendering its “Super Fab Lab” into more or less an imaginatorium.

(Have you ever seen Laugh-In? Neither has anyone in the target audience)

On the way to school, Sid sings an cheerleader-style ode to his mom while she basks in his adulation. Maybe Mr. Sid’s Mom can’t take care of her needs; they share the most neutral exchanges since Michael and Lisa Marie. We’re always introduced to the kids with Sid’s “I’m Looking For My Friends” song. Sid is looking for his friends; he finds his friends. I know, gripping tension. When he finds them, he makes them dance, because that’s the kind of dick he is. Kind of reminds me of when Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air took speed and went all crazy at that high school dance. Then Sid asks them, “Did you hear about the kid who wanted to know everything about everything?” If his vanity and self-referencing doesn’t convince you of his addiction, then congratulations Mr. And Ms. I’ve Interacted With A Child. Suzie encourages them in their terrible songs, presumably because they make her solos at the end sound like arias by comparison.

(I sometimes wonder why he’s always super excited about finding friends on the same playground apparatuses every day; then I remember the blow)

There are actually quite a few positives to this show. Sid’s mom is black and his dad is Jewish, which, Yahweh willing, will be the reverse configuration of my child’s parentage. His school keeps up the multiculturalism, as Gabriela is Hispanic, May is Asian, and Susie is totally rolling face dude. Gerald is the lone Aryan, and he’s more of a gin-blossom pink. And it teaches children, not just that doing drugs with friends is cool, but also things like estimation (apparently half of science is “guessing”; I can’t remember the other half, but I think it’s praying), understanding decay, and what touching is. Yeah, there was an episode dedicated to explaining touch. I don’t remember childhood all that well, but I don’t think I needed the difference between the feel of my dog’s fur and a sheet of paper explained to me. But I was an advanced kid and didn’t know any Colombians.

In short, if you’re a toddler needing to be stewarded through the simple questions of sensory perception by four drug-addled preschoolers and their hippie-dippy teacher, this show may be for you. But as an adult running late in the morning JESUS CHRIST JUST IRON YOUR SHIRT SLEEVES AND GET THE HELL TO WORK ALREADY!

Mooselicker Says: Thanks Carter for contributing! Expect more contributions from this nothing to promote guy. Hopefully he starts a blog of his own soon so we can see more hilarity in other forms.

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