Mooselicker Says: This piece, and it is a piece after all because it is a work of art, is brought to us by a man named Carter Johns. I asked him if he had anything to promote. He said he did not then chased me off with a stick. Anyway, here’s what he wrote.
The first clue that this show is kind of effed is the CGI. The Uncanny Valley of the Muppet-derived forms (the show is a spawn of The Jim Henson Company) isn’t persistent, but the voice synchronization at times can make your stomach turn. It’s either that or the acid. Quite possibly the acid.
Speaking of acid, I have choked many episodes down my eye- and earholes and reached the conclusion that all the kids on this show are on drugs. I can’t find a better explanation. Sid has to be the youngest amphetamine addict I’ve ever seen. He darts from room to room, fixates on his singular interest, and uses his charismatic narcissism to steer the entire class to indulging his daily whims. He may be selectively autistic like the people who claim to have Asperger’s syndrome; I’m not on to judge, nor am I well-versed in that spectrum). You know how kids sometimes ask a million questions, until you just wish Roe vs. Wade was more legally binding? That’s Sid for 30 straight minutes. The other kids allow it because they’re zonked into the kind of vague enthusiasm you get right after you get high, before you gotta search for that next fix baby. I mean…what?
Gabriela is the closest to normal, so I figure she’s been drinking to deal with the slow-track education pace and the portent of a desperate adolescence. Slow-tongued May probably takes heroin with her Frosted Flakes every morning because she is as languid as a sloth in the summer. In one episode, she claims she’d eat a spoiled banana because she doesn’t want it to be sad that it has no friends; she could be a big stoner. Gerald drinks some beers with Gab, snorts speed with Sid, passes doobies to May; he just likes to party man. Their teacher, Susie, probably has an ecstasy and antidepressant cocktail every morning to deal with her never-was singing career and the school’s crippled budget, reducing the school’s enrollment to four and rendering its “Super Fab Lab” into more or less an imaginatorium.
(Have you ever seen Laugh-In? Neither has anyone in the target audience)
On the way to school, Sid sings an cheerleader-style ode to his mom while she basks in his adulation. Maybe Mr. Sid’s Mom can’t take care of her needs; they share the most neutral exchanges since Michael and Lisa Marie. We’re always introduced to the kids with Sid’s “I’m Looking For My Friends” song. Sid is looking for his friends; he finds his friends. I know, gripping tension. When he finds them, he makes them dance, because that’s the kind of dick he is. Kind of reminds me of when Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air took speed and went all crazy at that high school dance. Then Sid asks them, “Did you hear about the kid who wanted to know everything about everything?” If his vanity and self-referencing doesn’t convince you of his addiction, then congratulations Mr. And Ms. I’ve Interacted With A Child. Suzie encourages them in their terrible songs, presumably because they make her solos at the end sound like arias by comparison.
(I sometimes wonder why he’s always super excited about finding friends on the same playground apparatuses every day; then I remember the blow)
There are actually quite a few positives to this show. Sid’s mom is black and his dad is Jewish, which, Yahweh willing, will be the reverse configuration of my child’s parentage. His school keeps up the multiculturalism, as Gabriela is Hispanic, May is Asian, and Susie is totally rolling face dude. Gerald is the lone Aryan, and he’s more of a gin-blossom pink. And it teaches children, not just that doing drugs with friends is cool, but also things like estimation (apparently half of science is “guessing”; I can’t remember the other half, but I think it’s praying), understanding decay, and what touching is. Yeah, there was an episode dedicated to explaining touch. I don’t remember childhood all that well, but I don’t think I needed the difference between the feel of my dog’s fur and a sheet of paper explained to me. But I was an advanced kid and didn’t know any Colombians.
In short, if you’re a toddler needing to be stewarded through the simple questions of sensory perception by four drug-addled preschoolers and their hippie-dippy teacher, this show may be for you. But as an adult running late in the morning JESUS CHRIST JUST IRON YOUR SHIRT SLEEVES AND GET THE HELL TO WORK ALREADY!
Mooselicker Says: Thanks Carter for contributing! Expect more contributions from this nothing to promote guy. Hopefully he starts a blog of his own soon so we can see more hilarity in other forms.
Very funny post Carter! The fact you worked in Roe vs. Wade and numerous illegal substances won my heart.
I’ve actually never seen an episode of this. Science was never my strong suit. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m good at. Is it ever too late?
I would imagine this isn’t the first time Roe vs Wade and illegal substances have crossed paths. Thanks for the opportunity, and the nice words!
Carter, I’m obsessed with this post. I hate Sid and his friends soooo much. I do like “I’m looking for my friends” song. Kind of catchy. But honestly when Sid says “Did you hear the one about the kid who wanted to know everything about everything?” is like the cringiest moment. No one asked Sid to have a monologue before his dance.
Why isn’t this daycare well rounded and teach other subjects besides science? Also, someone needs to break it to Gerald that he’s going to be a truck driver when he’s older.
I have wondered the same thing! Is it supposed to be a science Montessori school for the performing arts???? That seems a bit limiting.
Aww man if I was a smarter person I would have used that phrasing. “Science Montessori School for the Performing Arts” — Genius description. Are Montessori singing instructors supposed to upstage their students?
Thanks Lily! Big fan of yours, so this is like being touched by an angel. A Canadian Angel, which is at least .98 American Angels, depending on when you check the conversion rate.
The only other things this school teaches is failure and the flash point of crack cocaine.
I want you to know that I’m not really Canadian (I moved to Canada against my will). So I’m actually a normal angel.
I am now a big fan of your writing and really hope you submit more guest posts! 😀
You mention some multi-cuturalism theme but they all just look yellow. Besides that pink mofo.
I think they had some cheap-ass computer animation system to be unable to change the tone of their kids’ “skin” to something other than yellow.
Obviously made in China.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m sure the Henson heirs are sparing no expense to fly private jets to oversee the Chinese animation. That, or hookers. No expense spared on hookers.
Or should that be…’inah?
Are they getting the hookers in America or China? I think that’s the deciding factor.
I hate this show with ever fiber of my being. Toddlers are supposed to go wild for this show, but mine will never watch it again. SO BAD. I would seriously put Sid in an oven if I ever met him in real life.
I concur. On the plus side, I haven’t been late to work since I wrote this article! Although I am responding to comments from work, so I guess the difference is pretty negligible.
Another kids show that I’m glad I’ve never seen. These comments are hilarious!
Any show with the muppets in them should be banned. Or sent to another dimension. They can take Barney with them, too.
Oh come on, The View isn’t that bad. Wait, you mean those aren’t Muppets?
Hahahahaha! Emily (The Waiting) sent this post to me in response to a status update I wrote about Sid’s grandmother being perpetually high, and oh my god. You nailed it. This is freaking hilarious.
I thought I was the only one! And that’s not the heroin talking. The heroin is a lot more mellow and doesn’t use exclamation points. Thanks for the kind words!
In retrospect, the grandmother being a nurse totally makes sense. She has to be the supplier for the whole town.
Oh my gosh! It all makes sense now!
Today is the day I remember about the Kommentz section; thanks to all who gave kind words and feedback!
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First off I want to say wonderful blog! I had a quick
question that I’d like to ask if you do not mind. I was interested to find out how you center yourself and clear your head prior to writing. I’ve had a
tough time clearing my thoughts in getting my ideas out.
I truly do enjoy writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend
to be lost just trying to figure out how to begin.
Any recommendations or tips? Cheers!
If this is spam, fuck off.
If this is not spam then the answer to your question is lots of caffeine and hatred toward other people.