A Poem for Vanessa Hudgens

Dear Vanessa Hudgens,

With you I’d like to grow old and become two loving curmudgeons.

We can hate the world together for all they’ve done,

We will wake up early and watch the rise of the sun.

Your beautiful dark skin and your even darker hair,

To describe you in one word would not be fair.

You’re complex and more than just the average lady,

If given the choice, to be with you I would destroy the entire nation of Haiti.

I first heard about you when you were in High School Musical,

Enough about romance, let’s talk physical.

It’s clear to me that we’re a sexual match,

I’ll warn you now though, once you sleep with me you’ll grow overly attached.

Like the old saying “once you go black you never go back” it’s true with me,

“Once you go Tim you’ll only ever want him” is what you’ll learn to see.

Your singing voice is beautiful, I’m kidding I’ve never bothered to hear you sing,

I’m much more interested in finding out if I’d have to wear a condom or you’d be up for wearing a NuvaRing.

Zac Efron is your ex-boyfriend or at least I hope you’re no longer an item,

He gets in my way in being with you, on fire I’ll light him.

You sent him nude pictures which I’d expect you to do the same for my birthday,

I’m an October baby which means I’m a really good lay.

Actually I just made that part up about Libra’s being great at sex,

Not all of us can do such amazing things with our nude bodies that will perplex.

I’ve got this one move, it involves me standing on my head,

It’s rather simple, all you have to do is position yourself like a clown that is dead.

You know what I’m talking about right, how they lie on their backs with their feet in the air?,

Trust me this feels good, I learned it in India and the ability to do it is rare.

Of all the things I love most about you I’d start with your dimples,

Vanessa will you be the one to pop all of my back pimples?

I’m kidding my back is free of any cysts,

At least for now it is.

Not that I ever intend on becoming a gross old man or anything like that,

But if you don’t mind, with you Vanessa I wouldn’t mind making a pact to get fat.

It must be so hard on you to keep yourself in such great shape,

To keep my gut in I cover my waist in duct tape.

Spring Breakers is your latest movie coming out this year,

I might end up seeing it alone at my local theater.

Anything with your face or amazing legs catches my attention,

Would you believe I made it through high school without a single detention?

You see I’m a good boy who you could take home to your Filipino mother,

I Vanessa am like no other.

So accept my invitation to be your boyfriend,

Deny me your love and those threatening voicemails I leave will not end.

Have a good night and a good day as well,

With me in your life Vanessa, every day will not feel like hell.


13 thoughts on “A Poem for Vanessa Hudgens

    • I hope Vanessa snorts at it too. We’re kind of on the outs. She tosses around the word stalker in court like I’m some man of steel who doesn’t let it bug me. It hurts though.

  1. I liked the part about destroying Haiti. Only true love can destroy other nations.
    I always thought Vanessa was super gross for some reason. I never understood why Zach dated her other than the fact that they could bond about having an embarrassing career starter. She’s probably addicted to porn.

    • If I don’t destroy Haiti they’ll destroy it themselves.

      Vanessa tries so hard to be rebellious. I’m sure she never stops talking about herself. She seems like one of those people who means well but never does well.

  2. “Once you go Tim you’ll only ever want him.”
    Don’t be fooled Vanessa, he’s worse than a really bad dream.
    He might be funny as hell, a feat often you will see,
    Not like your rather hairy pu–oh wait, a retard kid could download copies of that, silly, silly me!


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