Rookie of the Year

When I was younger I dreamed of becoming a major league baseball player. Anyone can be a regular baseball player. The independent leagues have tryouts every year and all you have to pay is $50 to have a chance at playing. Of course you still need some skill to make the team but for those first 30 minutes before the tryout organizers tell you to beat it you will feel like a big leaguer. The movie Rookie of the Year took a little bit of a different route to making a boy’s dream come true.

Henry Rowengartner has a dead dad and a lesbian for a mom. We find out she’s a lesbian later on when it’s revealed Henry is using her softball glove. Of course, the softball mitt is the universal symbol of dykedom. Of course, dykedom being the politically correct term for female homosexuals.

Henry isn’t a very good baseball player for his little league team. He falls and hurts his arm. His teammates rejoice because now they may actually win. Not so fast. Henry has surgery on his arm because his dad is dead and probably had a good job where health insurance is covered. Following the surgery he discovers that he can throw a baseball really hard because of the way his shoulder snaps. Yes, he can throw it hard because of this but he shouldn’t be able to throw it accurately. Somehow he can throw it accurately. And that is why Rookie of the Year is less medically accurate than The Human Centipede.

(When I broke my leg my parents told me to get a black cast. That way it would not be obvious I had no friends to sign it)

It’s while at a Chicago Cubs game and he throws a home run from the opposing team back onto the field it’s discovered by the public that Henry has this tremendous ability. Henry is quickly recruited to actually play for the Cubs soon after which made me want to turn the film off immediately because this was what I always wanted to happen to me and it never did.

While on the team Henry faces a lot of adversity because he has the smallest penis on the team. That’s not actually why, but I’m sure at least one teammate of his noticed. The star pitcher for the Cubs is Chet “Rocket” Steadman played by Gary Busey. At no point did Gary Busey pass as a star athlete in this film. I guess he’s supposed to be a bum which Gary Busey passes for much better than a baseball player. Rocket is at first Henry’s biggest deterrent but eventually becomes his mentor. Could it have something to do with touching Henry’s little penis?

(Judging by the mustache choice, this was after Busey’s motorcycle accident)

The film is nothing special in that it follows Henry’s journey between being a popular athlete and trying to be a kid. It was a very overplayed story and there were too many inaccuracies for me to enjoy this movie. The biggest and most glaring to me was when the team’s manager tells Henry how while he was a pitcher in the minor leagues he hit the Cub’s pitching coach played by Daniel Stern in the head which explains why he’s so weird. The thing is, minor league pitchers do not hit. This would lead me to believe Daniel Stern was not a pitcher which makes me wonder how he got a job as a pitching coach. Pitchers are also rarely big league managers which makes me think the Cubs manager was lying. This was probably way too inside baseball for anyone to appreciate it but trust me, you should want to kick your TV screen too.

Eventually Henry learns a valuable lesson about family and he ends up going back to his normal life which was really dumb of him to do because he could have played a few seasons then retired comfortably. I hate when people say you should enjoy your youth. When you’re young and don’t have money there’s not much to really enjoy. Henry’s smart move would be to play baseball until he was in his late 20s then retire and become a porn star. He’d essentially get to live a life with two awesome careers. Why is there no movie based on me? I’d be so much better than Rookie of the Year.