Wizards of Waverly Place

Before she was statutorily raping Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez was a simple television star. She made her name on a show about wizards living near New York University so you know there is a lot of pretentiousness in the show. The show was much more than wizards living pointless lives in an overly sensitive environment in New York City. Wizards of Waverly Place was about wizards living pointless lives in an overly sensitive environment as a family.

(Aww they’re pretending like they’re actually going to talk once the show gets cancelled)

The show stars Selena Gomez as Alex Russo. Alex is your typical wisecracking, smarter than everyone else teenage girl. You know, the average teenage girl in real life. Remember that episode of Jeopardy when Ken Jennings lost to a 15 year old girl? I don’t. Alex is incredibly sassy and uses her wizard powers a little too loosely at times. This usually leads to the conflict on the show which makes no sense because if she was so smart wouldn’t she learn?

Alex also has two brothers, an older brother named Justin and a younger one named Max. Justin is dopey and a bit girl crazy while Max is dopey and less girl crazy. They were pretty lousy characters with no real differences between them. The show’s main plot is centered on the idea that only one child from each wizard family can become a wizard. They have to go through wizard school taught to them by their wizard dad, Dom Deluise’s son. It is in these classes they learn different spells like how to pour ketchup onto hot dogs or get really slutty as soon as you turn 18 like Selena has done. Kudos to her. She wins.

(“What’s for birth control again?” – a drunken just waking up Alex Russo)

The dad is your typical bumbling idiot father that so many of these shows produce. The mom is Spanish which justifies them having Spanish children. Usually this is how things work. Irish people have Irish children. Spanish people have Spanish children. Kuwaiti people have Kuwaiti children. And Jewish people don’t have any children, at least that’s the rule I plan to implement when I become supreme overlord of the planet. We know she’s Spanish because she has a nice ass and speaks in Spanglish sometimes. That’s all it takes these days to be a certain race.

As is the case with any show, there are many side characters. There’s Alex’s best friend, a female named Harper because apparently no one names their baby girl Debra anymore. Then there’s perhaps the greatest character of all-time, Frankie. Frankie is a little fat kid who wears a track suit and sexually harasses Alex. I guess when you sell newspapers for a living you have a lot of downtime to degrade young women.

(He has more thumbs up in this picture than TV shows he will ever be on ever again)

Now what’s my opinion of this show? It’s like any show from this Disney era. It was simply created to make Selena Gomez a star. It took her dating a little blonde girl named Justin before she actually became a household name. The show’s main problem was the fact Disney aired the same episodes continually. Perhaps this was because I didn’t watch it much after the first season. I must have seen the episode where they get a dog that happens to be a dragon 50 times. Wizards is good background noise. To call it more than that is reasonable but not necessary. I feel like someone should high-five me after that diss.