It’s about to get real racist up in here. Jk it’s not. But just try to imagine me narrating this post in a Chinese accent. Or don’t. I probably saw Mulan in theaters seven times. No joke. I think sometimes my mom didn’t know what to do with my brother and I so she would just take us to the movies over and over again. Whatevs. No complaints here.
Mulan is the story of a rebellious tom-boy growing up in ancient China. Fa Mulan is such a modern character that it seems weird to refer to her time period as “ancient”, but just trust that I’m right and everything will be fine.
At the start of the movie we are introduced to Mulan and quickly realize that she’s an only child when she calls for her little brother and he turns out to be a dog. Because she’s an only child, it’s Mulan’s responsibility to bring honor to her family. Her father used to be in the military but he is now unable to walk without crutches and makes the entire family look bad. It’s like, sorry dad but maybe I wouldn’t have to bring honor to our family if you didn’t get your leg all messed up. What a disgrace.
Mulan ready to meet the matchmaker. Just a head’s up, but you might want to trim some fabric off those sleeves.
Mulan’s mom and grandma take it upon themselves to prepare Mulan for her meeting with the matchmaker so she can get married and start a family. They dress her up like a geisha, giver her a cricket for good luck (and some other cool Chines lucky charms that are magically delicious). Basically Mulan screws up her interview and the matchmaker tells her that she’ll never get married. Which sucks big time because there isn’t anything else to do in ancient China besides get married or cook rice. I really pray that no Asians are reading this.
While in town, Mulan’s family hears a proclamation from one of the emperor’s guards saying that they need men to fight in a war against the Huns. The Huns are these scary guys with gray faces that are from Mongolia. Think mean Asian Eskimos.
Since Mulan’s dad is a gimp, she decides to bring her family honor in another way–by stealing her dad’s army uniform, cutting her hair, binding her boobs, and joining the military. Umm so basically she does the opposite of whatever is honorable.
Sooo I’m guessing scissors haven’t been invented yet?
In basic training, Mulan meets a talking dragon named Mushu (voiced by Eddie Murphy) sent to her by her ancestors who are watching over her. This is when the movie starts to get a bit cray. Mushu is invested in her family’s honor just as much as she is. He helps her and guides her. She also still has that lucky cricket who seems to be more annoying than lucky, but whatevs. A friend is a friend and Mulan cannot afford to be picky.
At camp she doesn’t get along with the other guys at all. They all pick on her and make her look bad in front of sexy Li. He leads the group and tries to train them into becoming fierce warriors and his father is also the General. Unfortunately, they all suck just as bad as Mulan does. But to be honest, the training that he puts them through is pretty bizarre. Like, sorry we’re not all ninjas like you, Li. “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” is one of the best songs from the movie soundtrack. I often say “Let’s get down to business to defeat the Huns!” whenever I need to get down to business. Here’s the clip from the movie:
Why do you have to be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon to be a good warrior? I like how once Mulan climbs to the top of that pillar, everyone in the training camp is all of a sudden amazing at every skill they were taught. Weird/convenient.
Eventually Li leads the army into the mountains only to find his father’s campsite destroyed. Rut roh (That’s Scooby Doo speak for “Uh Oh”). The Huns start to approach Li’s meager group of men and Mulan cleverly aims her homemade rocket (I told you this was ancient China!) at the mountain side to cause an avalanche over the Huns. Shan Yu, the main Hun in charge, injures Mulan and when Li comes to her side to treat her wound, he realizes that Mulan is actually a girl. RUT ROH.
Instead of killing her, he walks away with a look of disappointment. She would probably have rather been beheaded than disappointing him. As her troop leaves, she watches Shan Yu head towards the city to kill the emperor. How did he survive an avalanche?!
Eventually Mulan ends up saving the day by posing as a geisha with her new found army buds. They lure Shan Yu on the roof of the emperor’s palace while Mushu shoots fireworks at him and Mulan fights him. It’s like a scene out of Mortal Kombat, I swear.
The emperor tells the crowd to bow to Mulan because she saved his life and he’s the only person who really matters in all of China. Li comes to the Fa house and makes Mulan’s family happy because now she isn’t totally a lost cause. Her dad says some cute things about lotus blossoms and then the credits role to Christina Aguilera’s “Reflection”.
Kidz Showz 
Haha! I think you’re on thin racial ice or should I say rice! Seriously. Only you can get away with this because people know your not so PC just for fun. But for the love of God I hope no Asians read this and were offended. I only took you 3 times, tops. It’s because I liked the music and because it was a good history lesson, a great way to introduce ancient China and the Huns to a ten year old.
Haha rice or lice as the Chinese would say. Remember when my cousins would always call me Riry instead of Lily? Nice.
At first I was going to try to not be racist, but then I was like Ehhh might as well go big or go home. Lol I’m pretty sure we went 7 times because I remember telling that to people. Like, I swear it was 7. I liked the music as well–one of the best soundtracks for sure!
Well at least you can tell people you have Asian Cousins so you’re allowed to be a little cray. I think, hopefully people know you’re NOT racist. I hope.
But what if I am?
So, from that one sentence I read from the Genghis Khan Wikipedia page, the Mongol Empire was actually pretty forward thinking when it came to recognizing the equality of women. Much more so than the Chinese, who were still practicing the binding of women’s feet through the 19th century. (You know, for equality.) Wait, am I being racist by calling them Chinese, and by mentioning something they actually did? I’m such a racist.
Oh, also, great work, very funny, you know, the usual.
Thank you Carter!
So when people refer to someone as a mongoloid, it’s technically a compliment? Lol I am the worst person. I was actually going to make a feet binding joke, like Mulan’s feet weren’t even bound. How is she supposed to bring honor to her family when they don’t even break and bind her feet for her? Rude.
You are being extremely racist by even mentioning anything having to do with Asia. You might want to check yourself before your wreck yourself.
I am so upset you didn’t include that joke, but that’s what kommentz are for. If you’re the worst person, we don’t deserve goodness.
And, since I’m black, I can’t be racist ever. It’s in the Constitution or something. Not like I’ve read it or anything. But thanks for playing our game. (You’re not going home empty-handed; you win a copy of the home version of “Everything White People Do Is Racist.”)
Haha it’s so true though. Like, almost everything I say is racist in one way or another. You’re so lucky that you can be racist without being racist. #blessed
That IS what kommentz are for. I thought that was so funny when I spelled it like that. Now I think I’m an idiot but what else is new?
Did the Huns ever bother the Chinese? I always assumed they were Hungarians and you would have to travel all the way through the Middle East (gulp!) to get to China. Seems like a waste.
I never saw this movie all the way through. They showed us the first half hour in school then gave us a test. Why did they always do that? When did Eddie Murphy just start doing voices? I can’t stand him anyway. The bad guy in this movie was scary.
Great piece. You didn’t even mention your small eyes.
Yeah I think they did actually. When I was in fifth grade (I was homeschooled that year…) my mom taught us about it. But it would make sense if the Hun were Hungarian. Except….who would be scared of Hungarians?
The last part of the movie is actually pretty exciting. But yeah I hated when they showed movies in class, didn’t finish them, and never played the rest of the movie. Super annoying.
I think Mushu might have been Eddie’s first voice! History in the making. I don’t mind him as long as it’s just his voice and he’s playing an animal.
Thanks! Omg you’re right. Wasn’t that my reason for calling dibs on this topic in the first place?
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You accidentally forgot the best part, which was after the credits on the VHS when this 98 Degrees/Stevie Wonder music video played: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyt6Emkv3iY
This was one of those that my kids just never got into. Occasionally I’ll say “hunny buns” to MiniMe and she’ll look at me like I’ve lost my damn mind because I start giggling.