Beethoven

Years ago I had a dream that I was in a bar. A pretty girl approached me in this bar and we began to talk. I was honest, sweet, kind, my normal height, looked the way I look in real life, made the same amount of money I did, and because of this I had no shot with her. As she walked away I shouted, “You should sleep with me! I was the kid in the Beethoven movies!” I woke up after that because I was too excited after she said yes. Who would have thought a movie about a Saint Bernard could have almost turned into a sex dream for me?

Beethoven stars Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, the oldest girl from The Nanny, Mark from Step by Step (the one I pretended to be in my dream), a little girl, Stanley Tucci, and Oliver Platt. Oh and there’s a dog that well, is sadly long dead.

(The Beethoven Family sitting on their front stoop and getting foot prints on the ass of their pants)

The movie opens with Beethoven as a pup. There are some bad guys who in a very 101 Dalmatians way try to kidnap dogs from the pet store. A few of the dogs escape, including Beethoven. He’s then discovered by the Newton Family because kid’s movies can never have families with weird last names.

Much to the chagrin of Charles Grodin, I think Grodin should be another word for curmudgeon, the family takes Beethoven into their home. They decide to name him Beethoven when the little girl plays a Beethoven song on the piano and Beethoven starts barking. When we got my dog McGwire we named him that because he was a cheater who cried in front of congress because he had to take steroids to be better at baseball.

In the meantime, Beethoven becomes a real part of the family. There’s something with David Duchovny being a dick and then getting dragged across the lawn. Joseph Gordon-Levitt also make an appearance as Student #1. I’m not making that up either. Oliver Platt and Stanley Tucci are the two bumbling sidekicks who work for an old scientist guy and they’re pretty funny. Yeah, I’m not even making these paragraphs make sense anymore. They’re just rambling out facts because I can’t remember what happens in Beethoven and what happens in the sequel, Beethoven’s Second.

(I don’t remember this part from Beethoven, but the picture comes up in Google Images. This very well could be from The Sandlot instead)

Beethoven’s Second (look, it’s like you’re getting two for the price of one) is just as good as the original. There’s no real difference other than Beethoven knocks up a girl dog and they have babies. Of course there are people who want the puppies so they can skin them alive or eat them. Do people really ever do things like that to dogs? I think this was invented so dog movies would have bad guys.

This sequel takes place at a summer home. My summer home was being at home without my parents there. I would eat Lunchables every day and watch movies or go on the computer. How was that so much fun back then? Now when I do that today I feel pathetic and want to kill myself. But I don’t because if you don’t kill yourself successfully then you’re stuck having to put up with people pretending to care. That’s so annoying.

The best part of either film, and probably of any of the lame sequels that followed that didn’t feature many of the same cast members, was when they had to put their hands in dog poop to see if it was still warm to track if the dogs were nearby. There was also a great part when the girl from The Nanny is at a party and some of the college kids are pouring beer from a deck onto Beethoven’s face. Beethoven is tied to the pillar holding up the deck and he gets angry at having beer thrown on him so he pulls away and breaks the deck. All of the college kids fall down and it’s funny because they had their whole lives ahead of them to be douchebags and it came to an abrupt end right then and there.

Both of these films are great for animal lovers. They have the simple joys that movies like these are meant to provide. The good guys win, the bad guys lose, and Charles Grodin frowns a lot. What more could you ask for? Right, for the dog to talk. The dog doesn’t talk in this movie so don’t think it will or for that matter, do not assume that any other dog will.

Here’s the trailer that gives away the entire movie.