Beethoven

Years ago I had a dream that I was in a bar. A pretty girl approached me in this bar and we began to talk. I was honest, sweet, kind, my normal height, looked the way I look in real life, made the same amount of money I did, and because of this I had no shot with her. As she walked away I shouted, “You should sleep with me! I was the kid in the Beethoven movies!” I woke up after that because I was too excited after she said yes. Who would have thought a movie about a Saint Bernard could have almost turned into a sex dream for me?

Beethoven stars Charles Grodin, Bonnie Hunt, the oldest girl from The Nanny, Mark from Step by Step (the one I pretended to be in my dream), a little girl, Stanley Tucci, and Oliver Platt. Oh and there’s a dog that well, is sadly long dead.

beethoven(The Beethoven Family sitting on their front stoop and getting foot prints on the ass of their pants)

The movie opens with Beethoven as a pup. There are some bad guys who in a very 101 Dalmatians way try to kidnap dogs from the pet store. A few of the dogs escape, including Beethoven. He’s then discovered by the Newton Family because kid’s movies can never have families with weird last names.

Much to the chagrin of Charles Grodin, I think Grodin should be another word for curmudgeon, the family takes Beethoven into their home. They decide to name him Beethoven when the little girl plays a Beethoven song on the piano and Beethoven starts barking. When we got my dog McGwire we named him that because he was a cheater who cried in front of congress because he had to take steroids to be better at baseball.

In the meantime, Beethoven becomes a real part of the family. There’s something with David Duchovny being a dick and then getting dragged across the lawn. Joseph Gordon-Levitt also make an appearance as Student #1. I’m not making that up either. Oliver Platt and Stanley Tucci are the two bumbling sidekicks who work for an old scientist guy and they’re pretty funny. Yeah, I’m not even making these paragraphs make sense anymore. They’re just rambling out facts because I can’t remember what happens in Beethoven and what happens in the sequel, Beethoven’s Second.

beethbbffeat(I don’t remember this part from Beethoven, but the picture comes up in Google Images. This very well could be from The Sandlot instead)

Beethoven’s Second (look, it’s like you’re getting two for the price of one) is just as good as the original. There’s no real difference other than Beethoven knocks up a girl dog and they have babies. Of course there are people who want the puppies so they can skin them alive or eat them. Do people really ever do things like that to dogs? I think this was invented so dog movies would have bad guys.

This sequel takes place at a summer home. My summer home was being at home without my parents there. I would eat Lunchables every day and watch movies or go on the computer. How was that so much fun back then? Now when I do that today I feel pathetic and want to kill myself. But I don’t because if you don’t kill yourself successfully then you’re stuck having to put up with people pretending to care. That’s so annoying.

The best part of either film, and probably of any of the lame sequels that followed that didn’t feature many of the same cast members, was when they had to put their hands in dog poop to see if it was still warm to track if the dogs were nearby. There was also a great part when the girl from The Nanny is at a party and some of the college kids are pouring beer from a deck onto Beethoven’s face. Beethoven is tied to the pillar holding up the deck and he gets angry at having beer thrown on him so he pulls away and breaks the deck. All of the college kids fall down and it’s funny because they had their whole lives ahead of them to be douchebags and it came to an abrupt end right then and there.

Both of these films are great for animal lovers. They have the simple joys that movies like these are meant to provide. The good guys win, the bad guys lose, and Charles Grodin frowns a lot. What more could you ask for? Right, for the dog to talk. The dog doesn’t talk in this movie so don’t think it will or for that matter, do not assume that any other dog will.

Here’s the trailer that gives away the entire movie.

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11 thoughts on “Beethoven

  1. “Of course there are people who want the puppies so they can skin them alive or eat them.”

    Erm, yes, that actually happens. Sort of. Here it’s the stray dogs that are most often the victims. No skinning alive though. I think they’re just killed and cooked like it’s your usual chicken meat. I know…eck…but it does happen.

  2. They show all of the best parts in that trailer. What a spoiler. I liked when the daughter fell in the pool, and also when she poured out all the dog food. Geeze I was easy to please as a child.

    Megan Mullally (sp?) from Will&Grace was one of the mean dog people as well I think. Charles Grodin is so perfect when he’s upset.

    I’d have to say that my favorite thing about this movie is that the oldest daughter’s name is Rice or Ryce. I was always SO amazed by that. I remember having a conversation with my grandma about it.

    • Megan Mullally must have been a bad guy in the second one. Unless she was David Duchovny’s partner when they get dragged by the leash.

      How did that conversation with your grandma go? I imagine you being all excited thinking you could name your kids after your favorite foods.

      • Just kidding, it wasn’t Megan Mullally, it was Patricia Heaton (mom in Everybody Loves Raymond). My mistake. She’s the one that gets dragged across the lawn.

        I think my grandma and I were making fun of the name Rice for the most part. I distinctly remember her saying at one point, “Why not just name her Cornflakes?”

  3. I loved this movie and thought Patricia Heaton was hysterical. (okay, so maybe that’s a bit much, but that was the first time I had noticed her.) I always have to be careful with animal movies – it’s a fine line I walk with “cruelty” story lines. This one was safe. Phew.

    • Patricia Heaton was doing commercials for a while for Acme supermarkets (a popular chain in the New Jersey/Pennsylvania area). That’s my favorite work she’s done.

      Beethoven never really said clearly what they were going to do with the dogs, we just knew it was something bad. That’s all they needed to do.

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