iCarly

Some people say Internet shows are the future of broadcast media. Then a show about an Internet show came out called iCarly. Those people who claimed that Internet shows are the future immediately hung themselves. If the Internet show portrayed on iCarly is like other Internet shows then there is no hope for the future of entertainment.

(Great editing. The first thing they teach you in Photoshop is to leave random bright lights covering half a person)

The plot of iCarly is simply that. A teenage girl named Carly hosts a web show with her friends Sam and Freddie. Sam is the cohost and Freddy does all the digital things because he has body image issues or something else that would make a person not want to be on camera. But it’s a more complex show than that. Not much, but it is.

Carly lives in a pretty cool apartment in Seattle with her brother Spencer. Carly is what we often find in kid’s shows, a pretty normal looking/probably would be popular in real life/geek who is always the underdog even though clearly she’d get a lot of boyfriends in the real world. Carly is played by Miranda Cosgrove who although she looks a bit like a Japanese ghost, is pretty enough for TV. She’s intelligent, friendly, and has good comedic timing. I think I just described George Carlin.

(Miranda Cosgrove seems like a normal kid. Certainly someone pretty enough and funny enough as her in high school wouldn’t feel the need to entertain people over the Internet. Only people with a void in their heart ever do anything online to entertain others. I’m so alone)

Her brother Spencer is far different. He’s about 30 years old and is a complete idiot. He’s always doing things like making statues out of cheese. I don’t think he works very much but since at least one of their parents is in the army and always away they get a lot of benefits. I didn’t watch iCarly enough to ever find out if there was an episode where we find out her dad was taken hostage by Iraqis. It would be a perfect crossover for Homeland and I could see some great potential between Miranda Cosgrove and Claire Daines having a “weirder face” contest.

Carly’s friend Sam is what you would think a girl named Sam would be, a butch lesbian. She’s really mean to men and dresses real dirty-like. The main target of her ridicule is a chubby classmate named Gibby who eventually became a bigger part of the show. He has a crush on her and I’m pretty sure at one point if they ever make an R-rated iCarly movie they will sleep together to test out Sam’s sexuality. What they will find out is that Sam is indeed a lesbian.

(She makes Tegan and Sara look boy crazy)

Freddie is far different from Sam. He’s quieter and because of this Sam will insult him. He reminded me of a Jewish friend I used to have so I always hoped Freddie would fall out Carly’s window with his dumb camera at some point. Like most boys though, Freddie grew out from his nerdiness a bit and his everlasting crush on Carly became more of a reality. Did they ever get together? You’ll have to watch to find out. So would I because I have no clue.

(The iCarly episode where Freddie lost a bet and had to wear one of Sam’s lesbian shirts. And that’s how grunge music was invented)

The adventures they had on the show usually centered on the online broadcast they’d do. In fact, iCarly became somewhat of a real web show. Fans could send in their own videos of them doing weird things like doing strange yoga poses or burping dead Civil War General names. In this day and age though with all the perverts out there I can only imagine how many people sent in sex tapes.

In a lot of ways iCarly was a show for hipster kids. They talked about Starbucks a lot because they lived in Seattle, they wore plaid because they lived in Seattle, and rather than pay for cable they’d watch a free Internet show using Starbuck’s Wi-Fi connection while wearing a plaid shirt. Okay so maybe they’re not hipsters. Maybe they’re just trying too hard to remind us they were from Seattle.

The best iCarly episode was the one where she pissed off a 16 year old MMA star played by Victoria Justice. 16-year-old female MMA stars are so common that this seemed like such a plausible plotline. They ended up actually duking it out in the octagon. I’m not sure what Nickelodeon was trying to accomplish with having two teenage girls fight each other while wearing barely anything. Whatever it was I’m sure it got a lot of views.

(A young Victoria Justice. Look at those arms. I have bowel movements bigger than those things)

Personally I think iCarly is a very hack show. They use the same familiar formula; female star, female best friend, male friend who has a crush on female star, dopey brother, absent parent(s). Hannah Montana anyone? Not that Hannah Montana is the Stairway to Heaven of television, unless by that you mean you could live without ever having to see or hear it ever again.

In 2010 it was reported that Miranda Cosgrove was making $180,000 per episode of this show. She was the second highest paid child star. I’m incredibly jealous. I haven’t made that much money in my life. What does Miranda Cosgrove have that I don’t? My face is kind of weird. What gives?