Fantastic Four

There have been so many versions of the Fantastic Four I’m going to do my best here to cover something about everything. First though you must understand the characters.

The Fantastic Four are led by Mr. Fantastic. In the film version they were all astronauts and they get their “fantastic” powers after some space goo hits them. For all we know this space goo is Neil Armstrong poop that has been floating around in space for 40 years. Mr. Fantastic is smart, well-groomed, and incredibly boring. The power he ends up getting is the ability to stretch really far. So basically, he’s a yoga instructor. I think he can also deflect bullets because he’s rubbery even though if you shot rubber in real life the bullet would go through. His real name is Reed Richards. I think his original name was Robert Reed Richards, but to differentiate between him and the homosexual actor, they dropped the Robert.

(Why doesn’t he just play basketball and donate the money he makes to charity?)

The next most important character from this franchise is The Invisible Woman. In the film she was played by Jessica Alba because everyone wanted to say “Why would someone as hot as Jessica Alba be invisible?” and then Jessica Alba turned 35 so nobody cares about her. The Invisible Woman is attracted to Mr. Fantastic because he’s so cocky that he thinks he needs to call himself Fantastic. Stretch Dude, Long Arms, Rubberband Guy, would have all been more accurate. I won’t make a long penis joke here, but you never know if that could have been The Invisible Woman’s main reason for liking Mr. Fantastic. Her real name is Sue Storm which means it was either become a superhero or a weather girl.

(As soon as any female turns 35 she becomes invisible to casting. I can’t remember the last Jessica Alba movie that I thought “I don’t want to see that.”)

Next on the list is The Human Torch. He’s the brother of The Invisible Woman and a real rebel. I think he’s pissed off that Mr. Fantastic gets to bone his sister during their lunch breaks. In the 1978 cartoon version, The Human Torch was not included. He was replaced with a robot named H.E.R.B.I.E. Humanoid Experimental Robot, B-type, Integrated Electronics. People thought the Human Torch was taken out because kids would light themselves on fire to imitate him. The real reason was that they were trying to make a movie about him which they never did. So in short, everyone was forced to watch a dumb robot character because Hollywood couldn’t get it together. His real name is Johnny Storm. Again, either superhero or weatherman.

(The only “flame on” I see here is in his bleached blonde hair, pumped biceps, and waxed chest)

Finally in this motley crew was The Thing. He’s a big yellow brick-road-looking basher. He has the toughest time adjusting to life after turning freakish. Mr. Fantastic can stretch, The Invisible Girl can turn invisible, The Human Torch can fly and light himself on fire, and The Thing is just really strong. He could have done that with good gym discipline. I think everybody has a few powers too. I remember The Invisible Woman flying. Why wouldn’t she go with that? I’d much rather fly than turn invisible. Speaking of invisible, sometimes The Thing felt he was invisible. His gross face meant he could never be loved again. I think in the movie a blind woman falls in love with him because blind chicks have their own issues, like needing someone to wipe their butts for them to make sure it’s clean. The Thing’s real name is Ben Grimm and he is pretty grim because life is unfair.

(Tobias from Arrested Development dressed as The Thing)

The main bad villain to this group is Dr. Victor Von Doom. This might be one of the best bad guy names out there. In the cartoon series and comic books he’s pretty cool. In the movie he’s terrible, played by the Nip/Tuck guy. Dr. Doom or sometimes Dr. Doomsday, is a Charles Manson type bad guy. He recruits lesser cronies to do all of the work while he sits in a mansion or hover craft (depends on the weather) hating on the Fantastic Four.

My favorite version of The Fantastic Four was the 1994 cartoon series. There was also one in 1967 and the crappy one mentioned earlier in 1978 that left out a major character. I lump the Fantastic Four in with Ironman and The Incredible Hulk. The Fantastic Four is a little better than those two, but it’s still not that great. When I was around 8 my mom said something about us starting to go to church. I told her I couldn’t because Ironman, The Fantastic Four, and The Incredible Hulk were on Sunday mornings. I felt guilty because I hated these shows. They were not nearly as good as X-Men or Batman or Spider-Man. I never was a fan of any of the members from The Avengers and the Justice League characters all seem made up.

The Fantastic Four may possibly be responsible for my sentence to hell when I die since I chose it over God. Is church really that bad? The last time I went there was a band, a big screen TV, and I was given 3D glasses. I can’t go back and change the past though. I’m stuck knowing more about The Fantastic Four than I do about Genesis, whoever that character from The Bible is. The bisexual from The Real World?