Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

Some things in life are meant to be savored and not rushed through. A jar of peanut butter for instance. Don’t be like me and eat it all in one sitting. When I get a jar of peanut butter I eat it standing up because I have convinced myself at least I’m standing and burning more calories that way. Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over is more like cough syrup for cancer. It doesn’t really do the job, it’s not very good, you want it to be over with as quickly as possible, but it’s something you just feel you have to do.

As this was the third installment of the Spy Kids series, there is a little bit of knowledge you must know. Spy Kids is about a family of spies. The third one is in 3-D. The dad is Antonio Banderas, the mom is Carla Gugino, the daughter is Alexa Vega, and the son is Daryl Sabara. Unfortunately this film is mainly about Daryl Sabara’s character Juni Cortez. He has the least amount of star power of anyone. At least Alexa Vega has a giant fake rack now.

(I’d make a joke about her boobs being in 3D, but no joke is better than just stating the idea)

The film’s plot is pretty simple. There’s an evil villain named ‘Toymaker’ played by Sylvester Stallone. Oh my, how the ugly and impossible to understand have fallen. Oddly enough Alexa Vega’s character Carmen is missing. Nobody thinks to call the police or ask any of her friends if they’ve seen her around. Nope. Instead it’s discovered by Salma Hayek who plays a hot lab nerd that Carmen is inside a new videogame created by Toymaker. Juni must go into the game to save her.

Juni gets strapped into some device that already looks outdated. How is this film already a decade old? I remember it like yesterday telling my mom I didn’t want to go see it in theaters.

Once Juni enters the game he meets some friends who are there to help him find his sister. There are different challenges they must do and through these challenges he learns whether or not he can trust them. One person he certainly can trust is his grandpa played by Ricardo Montalban. Outside of the game, Grandpa Cortez is wheelchair bound. I’m not sure why exactly. He might be lying and could just be a lazy old man.

(The main characters in this non-award winning film)

The majority of this barely 75 minute film takes place within the game world. The special effects are nothing special. Worst of all, you must have special equipment to see anything in 3-D coming at you. I’m not about to go buying a DVD copy of this film for the lone sake of having a cartoon robot’s fist appearing as if it’s about to smack me. By all means, if that’s something you’re into, go out and do it. Who am I to judge? I own The Last Action Hero and I don’t care who knows.

When I watched this film it was more for background noise than anything else. The thought of sitting around without noise terrifies me. This movie provided me with exactly what I needed at the time, simple brainless entertainment. If you’re looking for anything more than that then watch something else by Robert Rodriguez. The new Sin City is finally supposed to come out later this year. Until it does, sit quietly and don’t watch anything else.