While researching different kid’s shows I came across information that may shock you. Barney the Dinosaur actually gave several children who are famous now their starts. We always hear about how the Mouseketeers launched several careers. All the Barney the Dinosaur hate has made it so anything associated with the purple goof must be terrible. I’m not saying it isn’t, but I do think it’s time we acknowledge Barney the Dinosaur might indeed be responsible for more careers than Mickey Mouse. I am going to match each cast member up with an opponent I feel is their closest equal. You can score it yourself at home or in the public library or sitting in your car outside a hotel like I sometimes do to go Internet access.
Queen Whore:
Mouseketeer Britney Spears vs. Barney Friend Selena Gomez
I’m not calling either of these women whores because it’s disrespectful to call anyone who poses nude or statutory rapes Justin Bieber a whore so I’m not. These two are probably the most famous from either group. Britney Spears was so big in her peak yet fell so far from grace that this might not be a clear win. Selena Gomez has been successful in acting on TV, in films, and with music. I’m also pretty sure Justin Bieber will end up making more money than Justin Timberlake when all is said and done. So who sleeps with the better man? You need to remember to add those points to your score. I’ve seen Britney Spears naked but never Selena Gomez. That scoring can go either way. We all know Selena Gomez is an evil person. You can see it in her eyes. Please, make your selection now.
Trainwreck:
Mouseketeer Christina Aguilera vs. Barney Friend Demi Lovato
This time I am calling these two trainwrecks. I guess though Britney Spears is a bigger trainwreck than Christina Aguilera but Britney is also a lot more successful than Christina. Demi Lovato is the ultimate crash and burn. She needs to change her name to “James Dean’s Car” she’s such a mess. Keep in mind although Christina is more famous, Demi never had to live in anyone’s shadow. Demi does her own thing. She doesn’t even have a complete first name. Plus, she’s got more to overcome which can make a great story once she does. Who am I kidding? She’s cooked. Christina Aguilera hasn’t done much other than get pregnant and judge other singers though. Hmmm this is tough. Please, make your selection now.
Heart-throb:
Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake vs. Barney Friend Trevor Morgan
Faster than you can say “Who the hell is Trevor Morgan?” I’m going to tell you. Trevor Morgan was one of the sons in The Patriot, he did several commercials for McDonalds and Cheerios, and he was the kid who was mean to Haley Joel Osmont in The Sixth Sense. Pretty darn sexy, I know. Justin Timberlake he….he’s really famous. Please, make your selection now.
Annoying Southern Accents:
Mouseketeer Jessica Simpson vs. Barney Friend Debby Ryan
We all know how dumb Jessica Simpson is. She thought tuna was chicken, she married a guy from 98 Degrees instead of someone from a more popular band, and she’s really ugly yet flaunts herself like she isn’t. Even in her Daisy Dukes days Jessica Simpson was maybe a 4. Oh look she’s got big breasts. So does The World’s Fattest Woman, which if you’ve seen Jessica lately, she’s going for it. Debby Ryan is much more tolerable. She plays Bailey on The Suite Life on Deck. Maybe it’s not as prestigious as having your own reality show, but it’s a lot less annoying. Debby Ryan also loves the film Sixteen Candles. How can you hate someone who knows their film history? As far as Jessica Simpson is concerned Wall-E was the first movie ever created. Debby may be disqualified because she only appeared in a direct to video Barney film but for the sake of this argument I am allowing her into this challenge. Please, make your selection now. (Debby Ryan also claims Brenda Song is her acting idol. Please don’t consider this into your vote, that gives Jessica the clear win)
People Associated With The Rock:
Mouseketeer Ryan Gosling vs. Barney Friend Madison Pettis
Has Ryan Gosling ever done a film with The Rock? He hasn’t, not as far as I remember. Has Madison Pettis eer done a film with The Rock? Yes she has. She played his daughter, The Rock’s own flesh and blood. Sure, Ryan Gosling has women attacking him like he’s a tampon sale. Madison Pettis though, she played The Rock’s daughter in a movie. Ryan Gosling has started in many films of all genres. He’s been in romances, adventure flicks, big blockbusters, and smaller independent films. Madison Pettis played The Rock’s daughter. Please, make your selection now.
Singers Nobody Likes:
Mouseketeer JC Chasez vs. Barney Friend Kyla Pratt
JC Chasez has a weird name when spoken or typed out. He was also in N*Sync. Kyla Pratt basically had the market on young black actresses for 5 years. She had The Proud Family, a Doctor Doolittle sequel because Eddie Murphy was busy making some other crap, she was in Hotel for Dogs! Hotel for Dogs!!! Because dogs can’t sleep outside…Where was this hotel? I walked by three homeless people yesterday and they don’t have a hotel they can live in yet we’re making hotels for dogs now? So a poodle doesn’t have to lie on the ground at night? It’s bonkers. JC Chasez was also one of the least popular N*Sync members because he was too straight. Kyla Pratt is black and one black person needs to win or else you’ll come off as a racist. Please, make your selection now.
What was your score?
Clearly though the Mouseketeers have produced bigger stars. I simply wanted to point out that Barney has done a little good. He gave us the 2015 Selena Gomez/Demi Lovato lesbian sex tape. At least, that’s where I project their careers to head. I’m sure Trevor Morgan will also own a fix cabinet making company one day. Perhaps you’ll buy one of these cabinets.
For those interested, here are the full lists. I left a few people I’ve heard of off like Keri Russell and Corey Feldman’s sister Mindy. It didn’t seem fair to include Mindy Feldman. She’s just too good.
Kidz Showz 
I’m sticking with my Mouseketeers. Sure, they’ve got issues… Brittany Spears looks like one of Charles Manson’s clan in that pic. But the others are very talented. Yes, even Jessica Simpson who parlayed her singing career into a mega clothing, shoe and perfume empire and who apparently has hidden sexual talents. Let’s not forget that John Mayer called her “sexual napalm.”
The others spent time with Barney, for Pete sake. How can I like any of them?
Ha I know. I wanted to see if somehow I could possibly let Barney win, you know, the underdog can be fun to root for. I didn’t even mention any of the countless people from the 80s or 50s on the list whom I’m sure had pretty good careers.
Sexual Napalm? I need to become a wrestler real fast because that will be my name.
Excellent post! I appreciate all the research that went into it, and I hope MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch takes note because this would be excellent fodder.
Is Kids Incorporated before your time? Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas was on that show. I wonder where all those other kids are now.
Thanks! This actually did take way too long to put together.
I think it was a little before my time. I’ve heard the name though. I just looked it up. Fergie and Jennifer Love Hewitt were the two biggest names. David Hasselhoff was a guest star on one episode. What kid in that era knew who he even was?
“It didn’t seem fair to include Mindy Feldman” Too right. lol and good point about Hotel for Dogs. Wtf. Although I’d rather have a hotel for dogs than for homeless peeps. Because I’m an awful person like that.
Wait I thought Debbie Ryan was just some random girl who won a contest to be on Suite Life. That’s so misleading. She clearly already had a career. Disney really liked the Barney crew. I knew Selena was on Barney but not the rest of the gang. I learned something! THANKS KIDZ SHOWZ!
I had no idea Barney produced any stars. Debby Ryan’s win sounds like how on Last Comic Standing they’d have already well-established comedy veterans make it to the finals. Ugh why is everything so rigged?
Although I would like to see all human beings have a home, a hotel for dogs would be much more humorous. For some reason I imagine all the workers being cats.