First, I didn’t watch this when it was on Saturday night. I spent my Saturday night massaging my buttocks trying to figuring out where my nerve is damaged while I watched The Human Centipede 2. Clearly I’m not a kid anymore if I’m having ass pains and content staying in watching bad sequels. Second, I don’t need to watch the ceremony to be able to cover it. My history teachers weren’t alive when half the lies they told me happened. All you need is not love, all you need is the Internet.
This year the award show was hosted by one of the most iconic celebrities in a child’s eyes, Josh Duhamel. Wait, what? Do kids even know who he is? I’m not even quite sure who he is. He’s best known for the Transformer movies. Who even associates him with those movies? This was a terrible choice. They should have gone with someone kids actually know and care about, like Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash.
(“Hey kid, want to be my Elmo? You can rest on my fist too.” – Kevin Clash’s pick-up line)
Here are the results as well as witty commentary on them all.
Favorite Movie
The Nominees: The Amazing Spider-Man, The Avengers, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, The Hunger Games
And the winner is…
The Hunger Games. Look at that, the only movie I saw won. In other words, I spend my money well.
Favorite Animated Movie
The Nominees: Brave, Ice Age: Continental Drift, Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, Wreck-It Ralph
And the winner is…
Wreck-It Ralph. I guess this means there were no Shrek or Toy Stories that came out in 2012, correct? I didn’t see any of these. I’m sure they were all meh.
Favorite Voice from an Animated Movie
Chris Rock as Marty for Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, Adam Sandler as Dracula for Hotel Transylvania, Ben Stiller as Alex for Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted, Taylor Swift as Audrey for The Lorax
And the winner is…
Adam Sandler as blah blah blah who cares?
Favorite Movie Actor
Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins for Dark Shadows, Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker/Spider-Man for The Amazing Spider-Man, Zachary Gordon as Greg Heffley for Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days, Will Smith as Agent J for Men in Black 3
And the winner is…
Johnny Depp in yet another role where he plays something weird under the direction of Tim Burton. Johnny Depp is not a good actor anymore. He has become a character actor. He’s no better than Brian Dennehy. If these were the best they could put together then 2012 was a bad year for movies.
Favorite Movie Actress
Vanessa Hudgens as Kailani for Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, Scarlett Johansson as Natalia Romanova/Black Widow for The Avengers, Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen for The Hunger Games, Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn
And the winner is…
Kristen Stewart. In addition to winning this award, she might be the only woman here I would not have sex with which is saying a lot because I’ve made-out with a homeless woman before.
Favorite Male Buttkicker
Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man for The Avengers, Andrew Garfield as Peter Parker/Spider-Man for The Amazing Spider-Man, Chris Hemsworth as Thor for The Avengers, Dwayne Johnson as Hank Anderson-Parsons for Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
And the winner is…
Of course it’s The Rock. And yes, Dwayne Johnson is still The Rock. Don’t fool as Dwayne. You always play a muscle-head, yourself. I can never say anything bad about The Rock. He’s the reason I eat a lot of donuts. I want to be big like him.
Favorite Female Buttkicker
Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/Catwoman for The Dark Knight Rises, Scarlett Johansson as Natalia Romanova/Black Widow for The Avengers, Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen for The Hunger Games, Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
And the winner is…
Kristen Stewart…wait, who does she defeat? I’m familiar with the other three and what they do. Doesn’t Bella just get bossed around by men? This was a terrible choice. The next time I see a kid at the supermarket I’m hitting him in the back of the head with my cart.
Moving onto Music
Favorite Song
The Nominees: “Call Me Maybe” – Carly Rae Jepsen, “Gangnam Style” – PSY, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” – Taylor Swift, “What Makes You Beautiful” – One Direction (Winner)
And the winner is…
The only song I have never heard, One Direction. What a crappy selection. At least now Taylor Swift will probably binge eat knowing she lost to her 19 year old ex. Yep that’s right, Taylor Swift is 23 and dated a 19 year old. How about you date a real man, one with scars and debt?
Favorite Music Group
The Nominees: Big Time Rush, Bon Jovi, Maroon 5, One Direction
And the winner is…
One Direction. To be honest, there are no winners here. We’re all losers for not having a better selection, like the sounds of infants screaming.
Favorite Male Singer
The Nominees: Justin Bieber, Bruno Mars, Blake Shelton, Usher
And the winner is…
Which one would piss you off the most? If you said Justin Bieber, smash your computer because that’s who kids chose. I really hope I was never this pathetic when I was younger.
Favorite Female Singer
The Nominees: Adele, Katy Perry, P!nk, Taylor Swift
And the winner is…
Katy Perry. How are the female singer selections so much better than the male ones? I mean, they still are pretty lousy. What about the chick from Of Monsters and Men with the weird haircut? Or Lzzy “I don’t use the letter I” Hale from Halestorm? The latter’s voice could make a woman’s ovaries turn into testicles.
Moving onto Television
Favorite TV Show
The Nominees: Good Luck Charlie, iCarly, Victorious, Wizards of Waverly Place
And the winner is…
Victorious. Breaking Bad should have won. Just saying.
Favorite Television Actress
The Nominees: Miranda Cosgrove as Carly Shay for iCarly, Selena Gomez as Alex Russo for Wizards of Waverly Place, Victoria Justice as Tori Vega for Victorious, Bridgit Mendler as Teddy Duncan for Good Luck Charlie
And the winner is…
Selena Gomez. The first three all have characters who are exactly the same. I’m kind of glad Selena won though because she’s Disney, not Nickelodeon. It kind of makes the executives who run this shame ceremony squirm.
Favorite Cartoon
The Nominees: The Fairly OddParents, Phineas and Ferb, SpongeBob SquarePants, Tom and Jerry
And the winner is…
SpongeBob SquarePants. I always thought his pants were squared. Tom and Jerry is still on? That show is ancient. I think the information I found is wrong.
Favorite Reality Show
The Nominees: America’s Got Talent, American Idol, The Voice, Wipeout
And the winner is…
Holy shit the kids chose Wipeout. Look what happens when you give kids a good choice. Not that Wipeout is very good, but people are getting hurt. They had a choice between three shows that are basically the same and they decided to go with the one with hot chicks getting concussions. Kudos kids. Next Amber Alert I see I’m dialing in.
Favorite Television Actor
The Nominees: Jake T. Austin as Max Russo for Wizards of Waverly Place, Lucas Cruikshank as Marvin Forman for Marvin Marvin, Ross Lynch as Austin Moon for Austin & Ally, Carlos Pena, Jr. as Carlos Garcia for Big Time Rush
And the winner is…
Ross Lynch. But really there are no winners because Disney and Nickelodeon does not know how to make a male star.
Moving onto Sports
Favorite Male Athlete
The Nominees: LeBron James, Michael Phelps, Tim Tebow, Shaun White
And the winner is…
LeBron James. When given the choice between a traitor, a drug user, a self-righteous man of God, and a Ginger, kids go Benedict Arnold on our asses.
Favorite Female Athlete
The Nominees: Gabby Douglas, Danica Patrick, Serena William, Venus Williams
And the winner is…
Racism. Kids choose Danica Patrick, the only white person on the list. Not to mention she is also by far the least athletic of the bunch.
Other categories
Favorite Villain
The Nominees: Reed Alexander as Nevel Papperman for iCarly, Simon Cowell as Himself for The X Factor, Tom Hiddleston as Loki for The Avengers, Julia Roberts as Queen Clementianna for Mirror Mirror
And the winner is…
Simon Cowell. Another good choice that kind of sticks it to the competition. Did anyone even see Mirror Mirror? It was the worse of the two Snow White movies and the good one was unwatchable.
Favorite Book
The Nominees: Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, Harry Potter series, The Hunger Games series, Magic Tree House series
And the winner is…
The Hunger Games. Probably the best choice. I feel bad for Magic Tree House. Nobody wants to make that into a movie.
Favorite App
The Nominees: Angry Birds, Fruit Ninja, Minecraft, Temple Run
And the winner is…
Temple Run. So kids have better phones than I do? The only game my phone has is trying to figure out how to turn off autocorrect.
Favorite Video Game
The Nominees: Just Dance 4, Mario Kart 7, Skylanders Giants, Wii Sports
And the winner is…
Just Dance 4. Kids are so unoriginal they could not resist going with a game that was probably barely any different from the three which preceded it.
One of my favorite shows of all-time is The Soup on E! The one case where advertising ever worked was during a commercial for the show with its new host Joel McHale. His line was something like “Winners at this year’s kid’s choice awards included Channing Tatum, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, and Fred Savage. Immediately following the award ceremony, Congress took away kid’s right to choose.” Kids stink.
Kidz Showz 
Wait, wait, wait. Bon Jovi was nominated for favorite music group? This would have been like nominating Lawrence Welk for favorite music group when I was a kid. There certainly are some slim pickings out there now.
I had to look up who Lawrence Welk was. He died in 1992. He still should have won over the other choices.
Wait this is so weird. The Josh Duhamel bit was super funny. That’s so weird that they chose him of all people. Maybe they wanted Ryan Seacrest so they just settled with someone who looks like Ryan Seacrest?
Who gets to accept the award for Best App? An iPhone? I DONT GET THESE AWARDS ANYMORE. Did anyone get slimed?
I think Ryan Seacrest is shorter than Selena Gomez. They needed someone taller.
They were trying to be trendy with the Best App Award. I’m upset they didn’t do best “Girl on Girl Kiss” like MTV used to do. I’m sure there’s some awkward scene from a dog movie where Beethoven licks a woman.
“My history teachers weren’t alive when half the lies they told me happened.” I never thought of this before; my education has been a sham. Thanks for bringing me through the looking glass (I bet my English teacher didn’t write that either.)
“Who DVRs Las Vegas? Josh Duhamel doesn’t even DVR Las Vegas. And you don’t get that joke because Josh Duhamel is the star of Las Vegas and nobody watches Las Vegas!”–Aziz Ansari (“Harris” bit)
The best thing a history teacher ever told me was that the Anthrax mailer got caught but Bush didn’t want people knowing because he wanted to keep us on our toes.
My history teacher told me the Manchurian Candidate actually happened, and we watched that movie every Friday for a month. Also, he was the school’s AP Psychology teacher so, yea, I’m maybe more than a little bit paranoid.
Did he say it was Sirhan Sirhan? I actually started writing a blog post about the stupid things history teachers told me/did. This was the second one this week I brought up to someone in conversation. They must be stopped.
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“Adam Sandler as blah blah blah who cares?” I loooved that scene in HT, haha!
To be fair, a few of the winners I definitely approve. But that’s it. A few. What is going on with all the Kristen Stewart and Justin Bieber loving??? I can’t understand what charm they have on the world. Really. Maybe you’re right after all: Kids stink.
‘What makes you beautiful’ sounds better when sang by Boyce Avenue than the original artists (One cutesycutesy Direction). Just saying.
The kids certainly did get a few things right. I thought everyone hated Bieber and Stewart now though. Their 15 minutes have lasted entirely too long. What are young boys even into these days? Sports? Video games? Yeah it’s video games.