Rebound

Mooselicker says: This was written by Carter Johns. This is his second contributing piece. He’s a good man obsessed with portmanteaus. If you know what that word means then I ask, how’s the economy treating you college boy? 

Rebound perpetuates the ridiculous, insulting, and, frankly, racist notions that 1) Martin Lawrence is a believable lead and 2) Papa John’s pizza is edible. The screenwriters must have realized his big-eared bug-eyed antics play better with people for whom boogers are as funny as a man in a dress (for “man in a dress” humor, see House, Big Momma’s and House 2, Big Momma’s).

In the movie, the approximately 4’10 Lawrence is a former basketball star (eye roll 1) turned hothead college coach (eye roll 2) who loses his job after accidentally killing a mascot and has to redeem himself by coaching an junior high team (eye roll 3). Apparently in this universe, there are no civil trials for wrongful death. This plot apparently made sense to the writers and producers, who probably spent more time researching cocaine dealers than Division 1 hiring criteria. The junior high team is called the Smelters. You know, like whoever smelt it dealt it. God this movie is insulting.

(“Hmm, we need a basketball coach…call Martin Lawrence; he’s black!” “Should we hire smaller kids?” “Do you mean dwarves?…That would be incredible.”)

The mother of the star player (surprise, he’s black!) is Wendy Raquel Robinson, who played the principal in Steve Harvey’s TV show and wore skirts so low they would have been called inappropriate if she weren’t so sexy and so black. They give her a terrible haircut and worse lines. She becomes attracted to Martin (eye roll 4) in a move that continues to baffle me about what Hollywood thinks of women.

Martin introduces himself to the butch Hispanic girl by calling basketball “work release” instead of detention (eye roll 5), and calls the vaguely Asian-looking kid from that lab scene in Juno “Yao Ming” even though I’m pretty sure he is 100% white (eye roll 6). I’m telling you, insulting too mild a word.

(Aside from Gollum, most of these kids are about eye level with Martin.)

The jerk opposing coach is played by David Putty, who plays the character Patrick Warburton in real life. I like Putty, even in that show he’s in with the mother from Grounded for Life, the David Spade from SNL and Just Shoot Me, and Landon Donovan’s ex-wife. I watch way too much TV. Oh, and Horatio Sanz plays the assistant coach. That’s about all that ever needs to be said about him. Alia Shawkat (Maeby from Arrested Development) plays a school reporter, and a very strong supporting role in many of my terrible fantasies. And the weird-looking kid from a bunch of things you’ve seen before like Kicking & Screaming and The Amanda Show continues to weird it up as a vomit-prone, uncoordinated team member. Basically, a white teenaged Donovan McNabb.

So Martin helps the kids out of their assorted jams and surprise surprise, eventually gets reinstated to coach in the NCAA, but surprise surprise surprise, the kids have actually grown on him and surprise surprise surprise surprise, he comes back just in time to help them win the big game, and SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE Martin gets the girl/MILF. I would add more eye rolls, but my corneas got stuck behind my head 12 lines ago. Also, have you ever had semantic satiation? Because you do now.

From 5th to 7th grade, I played on my school’s basketball team. One year, the coach, who constantly smelled like my uncles during holiday parties, stole the money we gave him for letterman jackets. Our assistant coach was a cop, but the head coach never got caught. The next year, the cop became coach and his son was named starting guard even though I was older and better. What I’m saying is, Rebound isn’t exactly believable to my experience. And, I’m still not over that snub. Also, fuck the police.

(I am sure Rebote is a much funnier movie. Also, that’s not forced perspective; Martin’s bodily proportions are ridiculous.

If you want a great teen basketball movie, I’d suggest The Winning Season with Sam Rockwell and Julia Roberts’ niece. It’s kind of sad that she’s considered Julia’s niece instead of Eric’s daughter, but I don’t make the rules.

Scooby Doo, Where Are You!

Few kid’s shows span generations. Scooby Doo, Where Are You is one of them. If anything I think this is a credit to the popularity of marijuana. Everyone knows by now Scooby Doo is nothing more than a show about four potheads and a dog that sort of talks but not really. Is it more complex than this? Or is Scooby Doo one of the least original shows ever?

Scooby Doo, Where Are You minus the exclamation point because it will screw itself up as I type this in the word processor ahead of time, stars four main characters. The first is Fred. He’s the blonde muscular leader with blonde hair. He’s really only the leader by default. This show was on when Jim Morrison was still alive which means women could not be trusted with such responsibilities. No girl should get turned on by the phrase “light my fire” unless she’s a pyromaniac.

The women on this show were Daphne and Velma. Daphne has red hair and is the sexy one. It’s implied in every episode that she and Fred go off to have unprotected 1970s sex. 1970s sex was much more dangerous in than the kind of sex we have today. Did you know more people died from having sex in the 1970s than they did from getting murdered by Jack the Ripper? It’s fact. Velma is the completely opposite of Daphne. Although in today’s world she would probably be considered sexier because for some reason society has decided nerd is cool (just society being phonies), Velma was the one that got the brunt of some beatings. She was best known for losing her glasses then reaching out for them like a mummy. I’m not sure why she never considered getting a chain like my grandma used to have.

(Somehow this is one of the least perverted photos of these two together online)

Also in this group was an obvious slacker named Shaggy. Apparently his real name was Norville Rogers which means Shaggy was a better name for him. Shaggy is tall, lanky, and doesn’t seem to care about his personal appearance. This was the 1970s though, remember? All you had to do to look good was have some LSD. Shaggy was voiced by none other than Casey Kasem. I’m not sure why I used the term “none other than.” It’s like I expected the reader to scratch their chin, lean back, and actually remember who he is. Think Dick Clark only with a better speaking voice and I mean even before the stroke better speaking voice.

(Again, one of the few pictures of them together where a back rub is not involved)

Of course there was also the title character, Scooby Doo. He’s a loveable giant brown dog with a speech impediment. Or maybe this is how Hannah Barbera thought all dogs should talk. Instead of “ut oh” he would say “rut roh.” Maybe Scooby Doo was trying to do a Chinese-American impression but didn’t quite get you only add in R’s to replace L’s.

(The only way to get Scooby to behave, give him a Scooby Snack. The same thing works for Shaggy. Someone is eating something they shouldn’t)

Each episode had a simple plot. They would be on their way somewhere, get sidetracked, find out there’s a ghost or monster in this place, they try to find the monster, they find some clues, a trap is set, the trap fails after Shaggy or Scooby screw it up, Scooby somehow turns this around and catches the bad guy anyway, and the cops finally show up and unmask the monster to find out it’s some old person. Almost always the bad guys on Scooby Doo were old people. I guess if I knew death was coming soon I would dress up as a Frankenstein too and try to scare a bed and breakfast owner.

Now for some facts you didn’t know unless you read the Wikipedia page. The show was originally created as a non-violent alternative to super-hero shows from the 1960s that parent watch groups had complained about. In other words, stuck up bitches trying to ruin TV have been around for a while. Original titles were Mysteries Five and Who’s S-S-Scared? I’m scared. Those titles are S-S-Shit.

Scooby Doo was a simple show. And perhaps because it was so simple it has managed to stay popular for all of these years. Combining mystery, monsters, talking dogs, and bad sound effects would appear like it could be too much. Scooby Doo ignores logic and it’s one of the most legendary kid’s shows. If you didn’t know that I feel really bad for the people who pretend to be your friends.

PB&J Otter

I always thought I was too old to be watching  PB&J Otter when it was on, but now I realize that I was only eleven so it was totally fine. I just couldn’t turn away from the catchy tunes of the intro or the fun colors of these adorable otters. Why parents would name their children Peanut, Butter, and Jelly is a little beyond me though. 

What’s really weird is that Peanut is the oldest brother and then his younger sister is named Jelly. They’re out of order! Was their mom just hoping that she would have another kid and he would be the perfect shade of yellowy-beige? Because that’s what happened. Butter is technically a baby in the show, he wears a diaper and everything. Oh sorry. I guess Butter is a girl. That’s going to be an unfortunate name during her high school years. Not that she should be in high school since she’s an otter. I find it very convenient that Jelly turned out to be purple. Peanut is red, so unless he’s a spicy peanut the color scheme doesn’t really work for him.

The Otter family lives on a houseboat (gross) in the middle of Lake Hoohaw among many other houseboated families. The Otter kids had a really cool slide coming out of their room that would shoot them down to the breakfast table. Jealous.

PB&J’s mom, Opal, is nice. She has an afro which leads me to believe she’s black. Their dad is very nice, normal, and kind which is super unrealistic.

Flick Duck is a good friend of the sibling trio. Flick is nice, sometimes clumsy, and very duck-like. Whenever the gang is in a pickle, they do a “Noodle Dance” to get their brain juices flowing. It’s like, why can’t you just think? You really have to do a dance? Peanut refuses to dance and by the end his feet start tapping and he can’t control himself. This is by far the cheesiest part of the show.

They’re also friends with a beaver and a raccoon but I don’t remember anything about them. Also, who cares?

There is a rich family of poodles that live on the lake. So random. Their kids are Ootsie, Bootsie, and Snootie. I’m going to assume you can figure their personalities out on your own.

This show was really cute and enjoyable. It was actually made by the creator of Doug, so it definitely gets some props. I was always comforted by the simplicity of their lives. Everything was so simple and happy in this show. In my next life I hope I’m an otter.

Angelina Ballerina

Mooselicker Says: The woman who wrote this as serious anger issues. I’m convinced. I know how to spot a menace to society when I see one. The actress who plays Merry over at …And Baby Makes Five… wrote this anti-English, anti-ballet, anti-rat or whatever it is Angelina Ballerina is supposed to be. Without anything else to say, let’s do this.

 I must get this first thing out of the way. Angelina Ballerina is BANNED at the Casa de Wench. Banned. I will not allow her whiny little voice to exit my television speakers and penetrate my eardrums. Nothing gets me riled up quite like Angelina.

If you are lucky enough to not have to hear this dancing mouse’s nasally, high-pitched British accent complaining about how she can’t get her own way, I envy you. Clear your guest room, because I’m moving in with you.

What’s the big problem? I’ll tell you what the big problem is. Angelina Ballerina is a whiny, bratty little shit. There. I said it. She lives with her mother, her father, and her little sister. She dances ballet at a class taught by Miss Lilly, a mouse who sounds like an American auditioning for the KGB. The Russian accent is so emphasized that one can only assume that it’s fake. She’s got to be an operative. I know Russian people, and they do NOT sound like Miss Lilly.

But my problem isn’t with Miss Lilly…it’s with that little spoiled mouseling, Angelina. Angelina makes various plots and schemes, and they inevitably fail, which leads to Angelina throwing a fit that, in my day, would have gotten me smacked…HARD. She wails at her mother and father about how “simply awful” things are, and what really grinds my gears (Family Guy reference, anyone?) is that no one ever corrects this little snot’s atrocious behavior. No one ever says “Angelina, shut the hell up and go to your room”. No, Angelina gets coddled until her rages go away. Angelina is fated to grow up and become that self-entitled person who everyone secretly just wants to smack the crap out of. I used to be a waitress, and people like Angelina made me want to break a serving tray over their heads.

I truly feel sorry for Angelina’s little sister. I can’t remember her name, because Angelina is that overpowering that for the life of me, other than Miss Lilly, I can’t remember any other character’s name! Angelina’s little sister shows more grace, poise, and maturity than Angelina, and what does she get for it? Nothing. She gets shoved into the background, to the point that I’m just waiting for the day when she walks in on one of Angelina’s rages and just clocks her a good one. I would pay money to see a “Tables, Ladders, & Chairs” match between the two sisters. Poor “Angelina’s Sister”…where’s a cat when you need one?

(Remember when the tag titles meant something? I think I was 12)

In short, if you want your children to grow up to be selfish, self-absorbed, temperamental lint-lickers, then by all means, put Angelina on a loop on the TV. There’s really no better show out there to teach your kids to become the type of people who everyone hates.

Just don’t be surprised in 20 years when I clock your now-grown loin-spawn a good one for being a useless lump of selfishness…

…I’ve got a mean right hook.

Mooselicker Says: Thanks for writing this up for us! I would have preferred a Hell in a Cell match between the sisters, but I also realize there hasn’t been a good one of those for a while. You can find more about this writer at her blog …And Baby Makes Five… To avoid her, only ever eat at a TGI Friday’s in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

Mulan

It’s about to get real racist up in here. Jk it’s not. But just try to imagine me narrating this post in a Chinese accent. Or don’t. I probably saw Mulan in theaters seven times. No joke. I think sometimes my mom didn’t know what to do with my brother and I so she would just take us to the movies over and over again. Whatevs. No complaints here.

Mulan is the story of a rebellious tom-boy growing up in ancient China. Fa Mulan is such a modern character that it seems weird to refer to her time period as “ancient”, but just trust that I’m right and everything will be fine.

At the start of the movie we are introduced to Mulan and quickly realize that she’s an only child when she calls for her little brother and he turns out to be a dog. Because she’s an only child, it’s Mulan’s responsibility to bring honor to her family. Her father used to be in the military but he is now unable to walk without crutches and makes the entire family look bad. It’s like, sorry dad but maybe I wouldn’t have to bring honor to our family if you didn’t get your leg all messed up. What a disgrace.

Mulan ready to meet the matchmaker. Just a head’s up, but you might want to trim some fabric off those sleeves.

Mulan’s mom and grandma take it upon themselves to prepare Mulan for her meeting with the matchmaker so she can get married and start a family. They dress her up like a geisha, giver her a cricket for good luck (and some other cool Chines lucky charms that are magically delicious). Basically Mulan screws up her interview and the matchmaker tells her that she’ll never get married. Which sucks big time because there isn’t anything else to do in ancient China besides get married or cook rice. I really pray that no Asians are reading this.

While in town, Mulan’s family hears a proclamation from one of the emperor’s guards saying that they need men to fight in a war against the Huns. The Huns are these scary guys with gray faces that are from Mongolia. Think mean Asian Eskimos.

Since Mulan’s dad is a gimp, she decides to bring her family honor in another way–by stealing her dad’s army uniform, cutting her hair, binding her boobs, and joining the military. Umm so basically she does the opposite of whatever is honorable.

Sooo I’m guessing scissors haven’t been invented yet?

In basic training, Mulan meets a talking dragon named Mushu (voiced by Eddie Murphy) sent to her by her ancestors who are watching over her. This is when the movie starts to get a bit cray. Mushu is invested in her family’s honor just as much as she is. He helps her and guides her. She also still has that lucky cricket who seems to be more annoying than lucky, but whatevs. A friend is a friend and Mulan cannot afford to be picky.

At camp she doesn’t get along with the other guys at all. They all pick on her and make her look bad in front of sexy Li. He leads the group and tries to train them into becoming fierce warriors and his father is also the General. Unfortunately, they all suck just as bad as Mulan does. But to be honest, the training that he puts them through is pretty bizarre. Like, sorry we’re not all ninjas like you, Li. “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” is one of the best songs from the movie soundtrack. I often say “Let’s get down to business to defeat the Huns!” whenever I need to get down to business. Here’s the clip from the movie:

Why do you have to be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon to be a good warrior? I like how once Mulan climbs to the top of that pillar, everyone in the training camp is all of a sudden amazing at every skill they were taught. Weird/convenient.

Eventually Li leads the army into the mountains only to find his father’s campsite destroyed. Rut roh (That’s Scooby Doo speak for “Uh Oh”). The Huns start to approach Li’s meager group of men and Mulan cleverly aims her homemade rocket (I told you this was ancient China!) at the mountain side to cause an avalanche over the Huns. Shan Yu, the main Hun in charge, injures Mulan and when Li comes to her side to treat her wound, he realizes that Mulan is actually a girl. RUT ROH.

Instead of killing her, he walks away with a look of disappointment. She would probably have rather been beheaded than disappointing him. As her troop leaves, she watches Shan Yu head towards the city to kill the emperor. How did he survive an avalanche?!

Eventually Mulan ends up saving the day by posing as a geisha with her new found army buds. They lure Shan Yu on the roof of the emperor’s palace while Mushu shoots fireworks at him and Mulan fights him. It’s like a scene out of Mortal Kombat, I swear.

The emperor tells the crowd to bow to Mulan because she saved his life and he’s the only person who really matters in all of China. Li comes to the Fa house and makes Mulan’s family happy because now she isn’t totally a lost cause. Her dad says some cute things about lotus blossoms and then the credits role to Christina Aguilera’s “Reflection”.

Dennis the Menace

Rather than do separate pieces on the original Dennis the Menace Show, the cartoon, and the movie, I am going to fit them all into one. They’re all pretty much about the same thing, a blonde haired boy named Dennis who is a bit of an asshole.

(They had to say he was a menace instead of an asshole because there are no names that rhyme with asshole. Does Pascal? Pascal the Asshole?)

The original series premiered in 1959. It was in black and white which means hipsters watch it today to be ironic. It was also impossible to tell if anyone on the show had bad skin. In 4 seasons the show had 146 episodes. They had 32, 38, 38, and 38 episodes. Could you imagine if a show today got to be on that much? Most sitcoms are 22-25. Think of all the extra Sheldon jokes on the Big Bang Theory we’re missing out on.

This show was a replacement for Leave it to Beaver which means it isn’t as good as Leave it to Beaver. Is it just me or do more college guys need to start saying “Leave it to Beaver” when talking about how they need a woman in their life to solve their problems? I don’t know. I feel alone in this unneeded statement. I wanted you all to think I actually know what it’s like to go to college or that I am smart. Keep in mind, going to college does not make you smart. All it means is you know your band will probably never make it.

(1960s Dennis after taking some hair gel off of Ben Stiller’s ear)

In 1986 Dennis got his own animated series. This introduced Dennis to a whole new generation, the Generation X’ers. Armed with a slingshot and a cowlick in his hair, Dennis Mitchell set an example of troublemaking for future Nirvana fans everywhere. Look at me, I sound like I actually remember 1993.

Speaking of 1993, that is the year the live action film came out. Christopher Lloyd made an appearance as Switchblade Sam, a villain in the film. Christopher Lloyd plays a great villain because his hair is scary. Another notable actor appeared in the film as one of the main characters. Dead actor Walter Matthau played Dennis’s biggest hater, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson was Dennis’s neighbor. He is the token “get off my lawn kid” old man. Mr. Wilson is never accused of pedophilia in any version of Dennis the Menace because he hates kids so much. I think that was his strategy all along because by the end of the movie he sort of makes up with Dennis even after he lights Mr. Wilson’s head on fire at one point. Maybe not. I might be thinking about Home Alone which was a much better movie.

(Walter Matthau always played a guy great at hating children)

Dennis the Menace is a classic character. Still, that doesn’t justify him being a pretty lame one. Dennis does light troublemaking things like flooding Mr. Wilson’s lawn or using a needle to poke holes in his father’s condoms because he wants a new baby brother. Dennis simply doesn’t fit in with today’s society because kids are so much worse. They’re getting pregnant and suicide bombing. In today’s world Dennis would not be a menace, he would be a slight inconvenience.

The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius

Including the brutally long title, this show had a number of annoying, unrealistic things about it. Most often shortened to Jimmy Neutron, the program was about an 11 year old boy genius and his adventures. Okay, so the title is actually very appropriate and accurate. But it doesn’t leave much up to the imagination. Jimmy would’ve hated that. Also, why is the word neutron so hard for me to spell? The whole “eu” thing hurts my brain. Clearly I’m not a boy genius. Or a boy. Or anyone important.

Nickelodeon continues to push the limits of children’s head sizes.

I find it really convenient that Jimmy Neutron is like, a sciencey genius and his last name just happens to be Neutron. Like, how did that work out? Also, his parents aren’t even that smart. I mean, they definitely aren’t like Timmy Turner’s parents from The Fairly Odd Parents, but they aren’t geniuses. This is too much of a Little Man Tate situation and really, how often does that happen? Like, honestly I’ve maybe met one person I could consider a genius in my entire life and he didn’t even do that well in school. He was just really smart and knew everything about everything. But he was also lazy. Ahh such a curse.

Jimmy’s trusty companion is his robotic dog, Goddard. I think Jimmy might have created him or something. He’s kind of like the Inspector Gadget of dogs. He has all these tools that come out of him. He’s also really smart, much like Jimmy. How is the dog character on this show smarter than me? Also, apparently he’s named after “the father of rocketry”, Robert H. Goddard. Lame.

Jimmy’s two closest friends are Carl and Sheen. Carl is fat and gross and allergic to everything and scared of everything. How many characters like this can Nickelodeon possibly make? I’m so bored of this type of character (if you couldn’t tell). Jimmy’s friend Sheen, however, is a great character. I wanted him to have a spin off so badly and then he got one–Planet Sheen. I’ve never seen it, but I’m sure it’s awful because anytime I get excited for anything it always turns out to be a let-down.

Anyway, Sheen, named after Martin Sheen, behaves more like Charlie Sheen. He’s wild, unpredictable, and easily excited. And addicted to crack. Hah jk jk. But I wouldn’t be surprised. He just says funny things and makes the show worth watching.

There are some other girl characters in the show, Cindy and Libby, who are considered rivals to Jimmy and his crew. I guess Cindy is pretty smart, but she can’t possibly rival Jimmy’s knowledge. In the show they make it seem like the two of them are on the same level but nope. Not until Cindy creates a robot cat will I believe that. Libby is black. That’s basically all you need to know. She stereotypically enjoys funk/hip-hop/R&B music.

Ew according to Wikipedia Libby’s first name is actually Liberty. Just no.

Jimmy Neutron was a good show but I kind of got annoyed with how smart he was. Like, why wasn’t he in college if he was already inventing things and making space calculations or whatever. I’m not doing myself any favors by saying “space calculations or whatever” but oh well.

Chowder

Mooselicker says: This is a guest piece written by Erik Hedlund. Is it just me or does that sound like the greatest viking name ever? I really hope if he’s not already, Erik joins a band with friends named Lief and Lars. It won’t matter if they’re any good. Their viking ancestry will sell the albums.

Chowder was a short-lived series. A surrealist, avant-garde, commentary on contemporary social………no seriously, it was crazier than a shit-house rat.

The main character, Chowder, is an aspiring chef and compulsive eater, who lives in Marzipan. Mung, his mentor, is maybe the only character on the show to display a modicum of normality. On the opposite end of Chowder’s warped spectrum of normality is Schnitzel (if you are sensing a culinary theme to this show, you are very perceptive, one gold star for you). Schnitzel, Chef Mung’s longest tenured and most abused employee, has a love/hate relationship with Chowder and a neck at least the length of the rest of his misshapen figure. Schnitzel is my favorite character on this show and is a brilliantly written character. The brilliance lies in the dialogue; witness.

The ridiculosity of the show is its’ charm (NOTE-1; I am fully qualified to make up new words…fyi). A normally functioning adult human can sit on the couch surfing his/her laptop, or reading a book and still perceive ear-catching humor which requires no previously paid attention. This show is also easily understood by the average parent hiding around the corner pretending not to listen. I’m not sure how much educational value can be found in the show; if there is such a thing as humorous white noise, this is it.

The culinary theme was bound to limit the run of this show, however as a culinarian myself, I appreciate the constant reference. Some of the other characters on the show include: Gazpacho-the purveyor of strange produce and mortal enemy of all ninjas; Panini-madly in love with the immature Chowder who responds to her every greeting with “I’m not your boyfriend”; Endive-Mung’s rival and owner of a gargantuan, rideable (see note 1) posterior; and Kimchee-Chowder’s pet stink cloud who speaks with a flatulent voice. The theme is also continued through the setting, Marzipan, and the episodic titles such as Poultrygeist, The Thrice Cream Man, Old Man Thyme, and Hey, Hey It’s Knishmas.

I discovered this show through my children, who would run into the kitchen and say things like “Dad you have to see this fart cloud named Kimchee”. Obviously my thoughts of bills, career, parenting, and husbanding (note 1), were immediately brushed aside at this revelation and I engaged in 30 minutes of juvenile bonding and vicarious innocence.

Chowder first aired in November of 2007 and the series finale “Chowder Grows Up” aired in August of 2010. If you are looking for some goofy, fun, farcicle, humor to enjoy with or without children and/or attention span, two DVD volumes of the show have been released and are available on Amazon.

I now leave you with some of Schnitzel’s greatest cinematic moments.

SpongeBob SquarePants

Every so often a quality children’s show will be released to the public. The world will make fun of it, and quickly realize how immensely cool it is. It’s a challenge to make a children’s show fun for adults and kids (and college students that are high) to enjoy, but SpongeBob SquarePants manages to tick all of those boxes. It’s weird enough to be memorable, funny enough that it keeps you interested, cringy enough for the audience to question why they’re watching the show in the first place, and lovable enough that you can sit your two year old in front of it and they’ll most likely enjoy it.

The show is pretty simple, but it has proven that it has lasting power. This year will start it’s 11th season which is pretty cray cray. I hope I lost a lot of readers by saying cray twice. It just needed to be said. I’m sorry.

SpongeBob is a bachelor living in an undersea town called Bikini Bottom. He lives simply in a Pineapple shaped house with his pet snail Gary who meows like a cat so I’m assuming that snails are the cats of the ocean? Does not compute. But I shouldn’t question it because this show is genius. Occasionally Gary talks and he has a proper British accent so who knows if he’s a companion or SpongeBob’s gay lover. I wouldn’t put it past the show if it was the latter. Or both.

SpongeBob lives next door to Squidward, the responsible, clarinet playing squid who doesn’t understand SpongeBob’s happy-go-lucky attitude. Squidward lives in a tikihead-shaped house and is often seen complaining to SpongeBob about how disruptive he’s being. Squidward’s dream is to be a successful clarinet player, but he’s stuck in Bikini Bottom working at The Krusty Krab burger joint along with SpongeBob. He always has a look on his face that screams “I’m too good for this” but he never goes anywhere in life. Squidward might be my favorite squid. There, I said it.

Patrick, Squidward, and SpongeBob

Next door to Squidward lives SpongBob’s best friend and the bane of Squidward’s existence, Patrick Star. Patrick is a pink starfish who basically lives under a rock. He isn’t too bright, but he makes an excellent companion for SpongeBob. They do all kinds of fun activities together, one of which is catching jellyfish in nets and then releasing them back into the wild.

SpongeBob is definitely more accomplished that Patrick, but not by much. He has a job, he goes to Mrs. Puff’s Boating School which is basically driver’s ed run by a puffer fish, and he owns a pet/lover.

SpongeBob also has an insane talent for cooking Krabby Patties down at The Krusty Krab. Here is a one of the first episodes of the show, and the play-by-play of how SpongeBob actually got hired for the job.

SpongeBob’s boss is Mr. Krabs, a relatively happy crab who loves money more than anything in the world. Except for maybe his daughter Pearl. Actually, no I think he loves money more. But his daughter is a whale so she might not even be legitimately his. Like, how does a crab have a whale for a daughter? Unclear. In one episode SpongeBob actually took Pearl to her prom and they had a great time. Pearl spends a lot of time crying though. A blubbering whale that girl is.

SpongeBob also has a friend from Texas, Sandy Cheeks the squirrel. She has a southern drawl and lives in a glass bubble under the water. The bubble allows her to live underwater and breathe, grow grass, barbecue, and do all sorts of Texan things. She’s kind of like an astronaut/scientist/explorer. She’ nice but she kind of bugs me because she’s so smart. It’s like, go away.

Lastly and perhaps least, is Plankton, The Krusty Krab’s arch nemesis. Plankton is a minuscule character that is constantly trying to steal the secret recipe for Krabby Patties from SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs for his own restaurant, The Scum Bucket. He never wins. I feel like he tries to take over the world/ocean a lot too, but he never succeeds with that either. I always love the bad guys and Plankton is no exception. Hopefully one day he’ll get that recipe or make an even better one…what is wrong with me?

As the Bell Rings

Gentleman, remember that size does not matter. It’s what you do with what you have that is important. As the Bell Rings was a 4 minute show that would air throughout the day on Disney Channel from 2007-2009. With only 4 minutes to tell a story, As the Bell Rings had a lot of work to get done.

(Jumping off the ground with joy or to their deaths without understanding the dangers of gravity?)

The show is set in a high school hallway in between classes. I guess this was allegorical in that the show was in between real shows, you know the ones not shorter than the average poo.

Arguably, and I’m not sure why you would argue about it, the main characters of the first season were Danny and Charlotte. Charlotte was played by Demi Lovato aka the only person who had any success from this program. They both clearly liked each other but always had trouble expressing it. Then Demi Lovato’s career took off so they had to write her off. I think they said she moved. It would have been better if they said she had a cocaine problem like the real Demi Lovato. For the second season she was promptly placed with someone else as the love interest. Nobody noticed. Most people were taking that average 5 minute poo when this was on.

Following the Friends dynamic, Danny had two male friends. They were a nerdy guy named Toejam who was always kind of dirty and a kid with a weird deep voice and no chin named Skipper. Toejam’s real name on the show was Thomas and Skipper’s real name was Skipper. Who names their kid Skipper? I think this is a fine argument against gay marriage because that name is so Posh-Homosexual.

(Look, I don’t even have to make a caption telling you who is who, that is if you can actually read their names)

Continuing with the Friends theme, Charlotte and then her replacement named Lexi have two female friends. There’s Brooke who is the know-it-all, basically the saner version of Toejam and there’s Tiffay who is a ditzy blonde who says stupid things. She’s basically the female version of Skipper. Skipper is very in love with Tiffany because all he would ever have to do is get his older brother to buy him some beer and she’d probably turn into a slut after one can. Toejam also likes Brooke because he’s afraid of dying alone. Keep in mind these are not direct plots from the show but rather educated guesses.

The show chronicles what happens between classes to these six/seven characters. Usually they stand near a window talking about nonsense. In such a short time it was hard to ever go beyond a simple “I have a problem,” “This problem has gotten worse,” “I have come to terms with this problem in some way” outline. It was a very simple show which I guess we have to love because it was better than seeing a commercial for Vagasil.

(The most common camera angle used on the show. This may also be why Demi Lovato has self-esteem issues, she was the star and they still blocked her face with network advertising)

As lame as this show was, it did have a few “funny” parts and I say funny in the same way you’d call someone you know funny because you know how much it would mean to them to hear it. I do think other networks should attempt something like this because commercials suck. Then again I don’t watch cable so what do I even care?